I've started a semi-new job, once that I am particularly good at. This doesn't surprise me. Not because it's a relatively easy-to-acquire retail job, but because if I really enjoy doing something, I always succeed.
My manager and I have developed a unique employee/employer relationship. After half a year of working for her, we have become best friends. I just got home after a night out drinking with her and I've realized I am unsure about my feelings when receiving work-related compliments from her outside of a professional setting. This is a testament to why you shouldn't mix business with pleasure, as the saying goes.
I've always considered myself to be someone who is very self-aware of myself and other's perception of me. However, to admit to being self-aware automatically negates the proclamation. There is just something about telling other people what you think of yourself that makes your claim less reliable, even if they agree. I remember in the 11th grade telling my English teacher that I found myself to be "self-righteous" (obviously not in a good way) and watching him double over with laughter, unsure why. I quickly became embarrassed and have always remembered that moment vividly, a reminder that no one takes what you think of yourself seriously.
Today was a particularly good day for me, because I overheard my manager and my senior discussing how impressed someone was of me. The person in question is another one of my seniors, Andrew, who fits the caricature of the anti-social genius. He is the best at what he does, and doesn't seem to bother making nice with any of the other coworkers at my job, because, we assume, he is too smart and too busy to bother with what new meme we find especially hilarious. From my first day at work, I knew this was the person to impress. I found myself listening and watching carefully what he responds to, hoping to find something meaningful to add to his conversations. He is the designated teacher at our job, and I made sure to always ask him questions; not because he is an important facet of our success, but because he knows everything and there is a lot to learn from him.
Anyway, his specialty is coming up with ways to fix things that no one else would think of. He is very technical and hands-on. Today I fixed something which prevented a considerable delay in our work, and my senior said, "Andrew would be impressed." I was only half listening, and only heard a fragment of my manager's sentence, which was, "I told him from the beginning, spend some time with her, and he didn't believe me." I looked up and said, "what did you say?" and she said, "I told Andrew to spend time with you, because he'd like you. Now you're his favorite."
I just laughed and kept on working, because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but it meant a lot that someone who I have such high regard for would be impressed with me. At that moment I understood why my schedule had been changing recently (Andrew makes the schedule, and he had been scheduling me for early, production-heavy shifts, as opposed to the low-level, late night sales-based shifts) and why he had been pulling me aside to teach me new techniques that 6-month-old employees usually had no use for.
Another valuable employee in our company, Bre, is another "genius" at her job, but she is extremely social, and has no problem exclaiming how highly she thinks of particularly good workers. She has made several comments lately about how I'm turning into her "mini-me", "clone", etc. I'm always the first to volunteer for extra shifts, and she said I reminded her of herself in this way. Today she also paid me a compliment that I didn't know how to respond to. She mentioned looking at the schedule and being upset that another employee was going to be working with her in the morning, and then she saw my name and said "thank god, now I won't have to worry". Again, I just laughed and kept working, but buried this compliment deep in my mind, so I wouldn't forget.
And now we get to just an hour ago, another compliment I received from someone I value. My manager/best friend's boyfriend, Matt, who is a like a big brother to me. I've never had someone to look up to and depend on to defend me and look out for me besides my partner, and it is so nice to know I have another male figure in my corner who looks out for me. My manager told me that Matt told her I was his favorite out of her friends, despite only knowing him 3 months or so. This is a guy who told me, after one of his friends was pressuring me to make out with him one drunken night, that if this guy ever bothered me again, to tell him and he'd "punch him in the fucking face". It meant a lot to me as someone who is severely lacking in people to defend me and protect me, since my mother never did this and I never felt secure in this sense.
I think a lot of these compliments are a consequence of being someone who is self-aware. I can pinpoint all kinds of relationships, romantic and otherwise, that didn't work out for me because the other person wasn't self-aware, and it is something me and my partner Justin always talk about. I'm with someone who is as self-aware as I am, and all my friends are, too. Our problems with other people (confrontations, bad impressions, complaints about behavior) are all because of those people not being able to detect how they come off to others, and so they say stupid things that ruin our opinion of them and make it so that we can never hang out with them as casual friends. My manager tells me I'm especially good at dealing with customers who are unhappy, especially good at fixing problems, and an especially good friend. She is so comfortable with me that she tells me who she wants to fire, who she is unhappy with, and even trusts me with secrets about those higher up in the chain. It makes me feel very good about myself that despite my failures in academia, I am considered one of the smartest people a lot of my friends know. The key here is that I don't talk about it. It really doesn't matter what you think of yourself, all that matters is how others see you, and a lot of the time that's what will feed your self-esteem tank. People are way more likely to give you compliments if you yourself don't talk about those things you believe you are great at.
An example of this is another girl I work with, who is the complete opposite of me in this vein of self-awareness. She has extremely pungent body odor that she and her friends are apparently incapable of noticing, she has an extremely obnoxious "customer service" voice, and she does not understand social cues well. She has a nice singing voice, and that is very difficult for me to admit because of how much she talks about it. We all work in a relatively small room, within a few feet of each other. Many times she will start singing loud enough for all of us to hear and we all know she does this as a way to fish for compliments. One particular day, after maybe a half hour of her singing non-stop, she says to no one in particular, "haha, I remember when ____ heard me sing" to which no one responded because of the obvious bait. Then she says, "he was like, "wow, you have a really nice voice!" Again no one said anything, and I could feel how uncomfortable we all were to agree with her, and I was cringing almost visibly. It is so difficult, even when someone is talented, to pay them a compliment that they had already paid to themselves tenfold. It's like they don't deserve it, because they have already received the esteem boost through their own conceitedness, and it feels undeserved. We are all quick to compliment others when they are not aware of their talents. Why is that? It's hard for me to come up with an answer, because I am complicit in it to. I am self-deprecating sometimes, so that...what, people think I'm a better person for not admitting how good I am at something? Humility is the crux of self-awareness. You cannot believe yourself to the best at anything without making others feel like you think yourself to be superior to them. This is why stories like Cinderella's are so popular, can you imagine how less pure we would think her to be if she spent most of the story saying, "I am clearly the best looking out of my sisters, and I am also the the kindest, most charitable, and humble. Why don't I get treated better?" We would hate her, and say to her, "Maybe if you stopped talking about yourself all the time you would find someone to be interested in you."
I guess it becomes disingenuous when someone is aware of what they are doing right, and then expect someone to compliment them. It seems like they are more concerned with the recognition than just being good at something and performing it with no expectation of a reward. We subconsciously dislike people who seem to think very highly of themselves, and something as simple as a sentence spoken out loud validating themselves is enough to leave us with a bad taste in our mouths. Maybe it's why we love stories of people who did the right thing and didn't realize anyone was watching, or dogs who see something wrong with their owners and doing something to help them, although there has been no previous conditioning to do so. Maybe that's why I write on a public blogging platform and don't give anyone my URL. Maybe that's why we have given meaning to a finch landing on Bernie Sander's podium as he was talking; after all, wild animals seemed to know how pure-hearted and selfless Cinderella was, and therefore flocked to her.
To me, there is no choice but to not compliment yourself in matters of talent, especially at work, where you are supposed to be doing the best you are able to do to being with. Why would I tell my senior, "wow, I'm really good at ___" when that's what my job entails anyway? Why would I tell my friend, "wow, I am a great listener", when to be a good friend, that's what you are supposed to do? It doesn't matter that many others fail at many facets of social life; you can't praise yourself for being the best version of a friend/employee/romantic partner you can be. To be mediocre and be self-deprecating, at least others can see that you are aware of your short-comings and are willing to help yourself. The opposite, however, is not attractive. Of course, there are many people who are self-deprecating on purpose, because they know their insults to themselves are not accurate and they seek validation from others, but that is always very, very easy to see through. I don't think we give other people enough credit for knowing when we are being genuine and when we are not. It sounds like I am leading a deeply-religious life, not ever complimenting myself except for the rare occasion when someone tells me I am very good at something and I can say, "thank you, this has always been something I have tried to work on, and I have done my best." However, I just do not want to put myself in a place where I make others dislike me and feel as though I think highly of myself because I am innately better. I am just lucky to be self-aware enough to know what parts of self-acknowledging behavior others are uncomfortable with. One of my biggest fears is having many people share the same negative opinion of me. I have seen and felt the discomfort of working around those who give themselves unwarranted praise, and it is probably one of the worst traits to have in the social-interaction-based reality that is our existence.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Sunday, September 6, 2015
I Think I'm Becoming "That Girl"
Last night I had a horrible night out drinking, which is unfortunately becoming the norm for me.
There have been four times now that I've gone out with friends and made a complete fool of myself and blacked out.
One was in NJ with two of my classmates, where I ended up throwing up and laying down on a dirty bathroom floor and then falling asleep at an IHOP.
Two was in the Bronx at a bar and grill with my best friend and three other people that I never met up until that point, and I started aggressively making out with one of the girls we were with the entire night. The next morning I had no idea how I got home.
Three was on my birthday in April: Me and my three close friends started pregaming at my house before we went out, and this began at around 3pm. By 6pm I was blacked out, and the rest of the story is just what my friends told me. We went to the same bar and grill from above and as soon as we got there I threw up in the bathroom and laid down on the floor. After an hour or so of some kind strangers helping me get up, I went back to our booth and started sobbing for no reason. They had to take me home in a cab and since it was only 10pm they went back.
This one happened last night, and it might be the worst one because I went out with my coworkers to see my manager's band play. It was in Williamsburg which is pretty far from where I live and I should've thought about this before I started drinking.
I was perfectly fine after 3 drinks although I could tell I was really drunk. I was still functioning and we were getting ready to leave when my coworkers have the idea to get high before we left.
Before I go on with this story here's something very important about me that you should know:
I am ALWAYS anxious, and for this reason I never smoke weed because it makes me a hundred times worse than I already am. I have never had a good experience getting high, so I stay away from it whenever possible. In this situation however, I was so drunk that I was running on a "don't mind if i do" mentality. Who knows what I would've done if it was offered to me.
So we sat down on the sidewalk a few blocks away from the train station and they did their thing, and I took some pulls of two joints they had and at this point I began losing track of time and reality. There was one moment of consciousness when I had a clear though, which was, "uh oh...this isn't good..." and got the idea to fall asleep on my friend's leg. All I remember after that is them waking me up and as soon as I stood up everything felt like it was moving at 100mph. My vision was literally moving like I was on a motorcycle. I started to freak out and got really nauseous and ended up vomiting in the street and being completely incapable of moving. My friends tried to get me up but my body was just not responding to me. I have literally never felt the way I did last night, and at one point I wanted to tell them to call an ambulance because I thought I was going to die. It was fucking terrifying.
All I remember is everyone trying to talk to me and get a response out of me and me just...nothing. Not moving, not speaking, I couldn't even see. And these are COWORKERS, not close friends or people I'm never going to see again. I'm just so happy my manager had left by that point, because if I was her I would never be able to look at me the same way.
I woke up this morning in one of my coworker's bed, and I asked her if everyone was upset with me or if they were annoyed but it seems like everyone was just worried. Unless she's lying and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, in which case I don't think I'd want to know or I'd literally quit my job out of embarrassment.
I just can't believe how often this has happened to me relative to all my other friends. I have never seen any of my other friends get so drunk they threw up and blacked out.
I think my problem has its roots in anxiety, and how I can be perfectly fine one second and then the moment I have some sort of internal reflection where I realize, "Oh, I'm drunk...I'm talking funny and maybe people are laughing at me because they can tell I'm drunk...", I freak out and can't recover for the rest of the night. It's so embarrassing to wake up and not know what you did or said the night before because you were so fucked up. I'm really gonna have to watch my alcohol intake and make sure I'm not taking in more than my mind can handle.
There have been four times now that I've gone out with friends and made a complete fool of myself and blacked out.
One was in NJ with two of my classmates, where I ended up throwing up and laying down on a dirty bathroom floor and then falling asleep at an IHOP.
Two was in the Bronx at a bar and grill with my best friend and three other people that I never met up until that point, and I started aggressively making out with one of the girls we were with the entire night. The next morning I had no idea how I got home.
Three was on my birthday in April: Me and my three close friends started pregaming at my house before we went out, and this began at around 3pm. By 6pm I was blacked out, and the rest of the story is just what my friends told me. We went to the same bar and grill from above and as soon as we got there I threw up in the bathroom and laid down on the floor. After an hour or so of some kind strangers helping me get up, I went back to our booth and started sobbing for no reason. They had to take me home in a cab and since it was only 10pm they went back.
This one happened last night, and it might be the worst one because I went out with my coworkers to see my manager's band play. It was in Williamsburg which is pretty far from where I live and I should've thought about this before I started drinking.
I was perfectly fine after 3 drinks although I could tell I was really drunk. I was still functioning and we were getting ready to leave when my coworkers have the idea to get high before we left.
Before I go on with this story here's something very important about me that you should know:
I am ALWAYS anxious, and for this reason I never smoke weed because it makes me a hundred times worse than I already am. I have never had a good experience getting high, so I stay away from it whenever possible. In this situation however, I was so drunk that I was running on a "don't mind if i do" mentality. Who knows what I would've done if it was offered to me.
So we sat down on the sidewalk a few blocks away from the train station and they did their thing, and I took some pulls of two joints they had and at this point I began losing track of time and reality. There was one moment of consciousness when I had a clear though, which was, "uh oh...this isn't good..." and got the idea to fall asleep on my friend's leg. All I remember after that is them waking me up and as soon as I stood up everything felt like it was moving at 100mph. My vision was literally moving like I was on a motorcycle. I started to freak out and got really nauseous and ended up vomiting in the street and being completely incapable of moving. My friends tried to get me up but my body was just not responding to me. I have literally never felt the way I did last night, and at one point I wanted to tell them to call an ambulance because I thought I was going to die. It was fucking terrifying.
All I remember is everyone trying to talk to me and get a response out of me and me just...nothing. Not moving, not speaking, I couldn't even see. And these are COWORKERS, not close friends or people I'm never going to see again. I'm just so happy my manager had left by that point, because if I was her I would never be able to look at me the same way.
I woke up this morning in one of my coworker's bed, and I asked her if everyone was upset with me or if they were annoyed but it seems like everyone was just worried. Unless she's lying and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, in which case I don't think I'd want to know or I'd literally quit my job out of embarrassment.
I just can't believe how often this has happened to me relative to all my other friends. I have never seen any of my other friends get so drunk they threw up and blacked out.
I think my problem has its roots in anxiety, and how I can be perfectly fine one second and then the moment I have some sort of internal reflection where I realize, "Oh, I'm drunk...I'm talking funny and maybe people are laughing at me because they can tell I'm drunk...", I freak out and can't recover for the rest of the night. It's so embarrassing to wake up and not know what you did or said the night before because you were so fucked up. I'm really gonna have to watch my alcohol intake and make sure I'm not taking in more than my mind can handle.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Some Things Last A Long Time
Since I last wrote, I've spoken to Justin two more times on the phone. The first time it was a few days after I asked him for some more advice, and we ended up talking for an hour and when I had to go he told me to call him again if I didn't get busy. It was like nothing ever happened. We just...get each other, and can talk to each other in a way no one else can.
I try not to get too invested in these feelings because I know we will not make any progress if we get back together. Nothing will change at all, and the things that tore us apart will still be there. It hurts to know that you can't do anything about it, because there are so many factors working against you. And this is if I even choose to forgive and forget the things he said to me.
I wrote this over a year ago and it feels like much longer. I was pessimistic from the beginning because I knew that if this love ended it would do a lot of damage to me and I didn't know what to do with that information. Well, you know what I chose.
How do you know you've met "The One"? I ask myself this often, because the concept has always seemed intangible and elusive to me. I'm hesitant to believe I've found it. It's literally what everyone hopes for in their lives. So I'm skeptical. How could I be that lucky?
But what I do know is, I can go months without speaking to him and the second we get on the phone, we're as connected as ever. He told me I'm the only person he trusts, and the same is true for me. We reminisce about the holidays we chose to spend together, and all the beautiful moments that accompanied them.
A few days after the phone call, we FaceTimed each other because I needed math help. We spoke about everything, told jokes, updated each other on friends we had met, and it only ended when his eyes were literally drooping and he couldn't physically stay awake anymore.
What does that mean?
What does that say about us?
Why did he tell me he knew I wasn't the one for him long before he chose to break it off?
I don't really know how to feel anymore. This sounds like a joke but I was watching The Dark Knight a few days ago and I found myself identifying so much with Rachel's storyline in the movie, her knowing that she and the man she loves will never work out until he resolves his own demons, which seems unlikely at the time. It may sound like I'm making myself seem like the better person in this situation, but it's only because my feelings are all I know, and my feelings are that I will always come back to him. I've never felt such a love for someone, such a need to make them happy, and such a connection that I believe would be impossible to recreate. It's like a very, very diluted version of what a mother must feel for her child. Just, "I don't care what happens to me, I just want you to have everything you've ever hoped for". It's hard to explain what I feel when I think about him or talk to him. It's a feeling of knowing with absolute certainty that you will do anything for this person, that you love them so much that you don't even wish the bad parts of them were gone, because then it wouldn't be them. I'm happy when he's happy, and especially when I can make him happy. The only difference between these feelings now as opposed to back then is that I've learned I have to make myself happy too, and that comes first. We may fit like puzzle pieces, but that doesn't mean he makes me whole.
It just means life would be a lot more fun and full of love if he was in it.
It means that I will never want to hurt him, and that I will always try my best to do anything I can for him.
Another thing I know is that these feelings are dangerous. I can't have these feelings and be with someone who doesn't feel the same way. When someone becomes this vulnerable due to feelings of love it's not fair for the other side not to reciprocate. It begs for an uneven power dynamic, and a feeling of fear of losing this person. I don't want to love someone but be afraid that they might wake up one day and not feel the same way. Or even worse, tell me that they never felt that way to begin with.
I'd rather suffer through losing the person I think is The One than be with them knowing they're using my love to make their lives a little easier.
Justin told me I was "emotionally fragile". I've never thought of myself that way, and none of my ex-boyfriends would agree. I've always been the heartbreaker, and have always looked straight through an ex-boyfriend like I never knew his name in the first place. Justin is the same way. So who succumbs to who? I made the decision to let myself become this vulnerable when Justin first told me he loved me and when I didn't respond, asked if he had "ruined it". In truth, I didn't know what to say back to him because I was in shock that someone like him would fall in love with someone like me. Not because I'm lesser than him, but because I thought so highly of him that the entire time we dated I was worried about falling head over heels and him saying, "haha sorry...you're just a girl I'm dating." For him to tell me he loved me first was a complete surprise to me and it's a moment I remember vividly to this day. At that moment I made the decision to completely let my guard down and be the emotional version of me that no one except my cat has seen before.
He, however, chose to be vulnerable at that moment and got no response from me. He thought he had ruined something, and that I would run far away from him. I understand if at this moment something branched off on a different path. I wonder if this initial brief feeling of "shit, I said I love you to her and she didn't say it back" set the course for our doom. People always say the person who says it first is always going to be the more vulnerable one, and maybe he wanted to fight his vulnerability because he thought he had made a mistake. Maybe for the rest of our relationship he made sure to let me tread this new path first, him following closely behind me, but never beside me.
As for me, at that moment, I was so overcome with joy and gratitude for the universe that I was speechless. I was thinking, "this man is an amazing man, and I want to love him as much as he loves me." I didn't know that at that exact moment, maybe he was saying the opposite to himself, reminding himself to make sure my feelings were transparent before his were, and not knowing the effect this would have.
Maybe we were doomed from the start. Maybe my own speechlessness was a pebble in the water, spreading out to everything about us, and turning the tides in quite literally opposite directions.
I believe him when he says I'm the only person he trusts. I know he means it because I know that he knows I would never do any harm towards him. I know that he knows I will always love him. And I'm not sure I like that.
I don't know how to feel about this because it also means that this power dynamic will stay the same unless he fully lets his love bloom freely, the way I let mine grow. I can't put myself in a position where I can be crushed once more, by the same person, because I wanted to give him another chance.
I can't be with someone who's foot is always on the brake, having the ability to put a stop to everything any time he wants to. That's not what love is about. When you love someone you're not in a permanent skeptic mode, examining everything, hoping to see a crack so you can say, "see? told ya". You don't self-sabotage for the chance to feel like you know more about life than others, and that love is just a mirage.
I know, because this is how I used to be. When I tell Justin how all my exes would describe me as a cold-hearted bitch, there's no way he'd believe me. That's just not who I am with him. That's not who he met. And when I tell everyone else about how I am with Justin, how mushy and affectionate I am, they don't believe me either. So the question becomes, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Is me being completely different with one person a true representation of who I am? Is that what True Love is? Finding someone to unlock a part of you that you were sure didn't exist? Or is it a more ominous symptom? Is that normal? Is there something wrong?
For now, all of this is solely hypothetical, as there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix the problems our relationship had, which was distance and an unclear future. Us being together or not will yield the exact same result at this point in time.
My dilemma becomes:
"by believing that I've met the one for me, am I preventing meeting the one for me?"
Of course, this question implies that there is only "one" of those people, but there could very well be both, and then I simply have to choose between them. It's just extremely hard to make a choice when there is no clear outcome. If I choose to cut him off from my life and forget about him, I'm cutting off the most important person in my life, and maybe "giving up" on something too easily that might be the greatest thing to happen to me. If I don't...things will stay as they are and I will have to make the decision to put everyone else on the backburner, as the "other" choice if things don't work out the way I want. The Pepsi in the Coke vs. Pepsi situation, if you will. I could very well be passing up on amazing people just because I'm holding on to a dream.
I wish I could talk to him this way, but I've just seen him turn off his emotions too often during conversations like these for me to really believe I'll gain anything from it. All I can do right now is let life play out the way life does, and if nothing short of a miracle happens, that would fix our problems, and let him put his guard completely down, I would be absolutely willing to do what I can to make it work.
~
You have hardened completely
By the end of this story,
You have learned to look clear
Through the flash of a bulb,
When you hear your own name
From the back of a crowd,
You just straighten your gaze,
No, you don't turn around.
Oh, but there was a time,
At the end of the day,
We were both stood in line
At the museum display,
And you outshone the light
Under which you were bathed,
You could outshine the sky
With the look that you gave,
So don't be afraid
To look back and wave,
Now that waving is all that you do.
At the end of the day,
By the Potsdamer Place,
I am waving back at you.
-"On The Museum Island", Emmy The Great
I try not to get too invested in these feelings because I know we will not make any progress if we get back together. Nothing will change at all, and the things that tore us apart will still be there. It hurts to know that you can't do anything about it, because there are so many factors working against you. And this is if I even choose to forgive and forget the things he said to me.
I wrote this over a year ago and it feels like much longer. I was pessimistic from the beginning because I knew that if this love ended it would do a lot of damage to me and I didn't know what to do with that information. Well, you know what I chose.
How do you know you've met "The One"? I ask myself this often, because the concept has always seemed intangible and elusive to me. I'm hesitant to believe I've found it. It's literally what everyone hopes for in their lives. So I'm skeptical. How could I be that lucky?
But what I do know is, I can go months without speaking to him and the second we get on the phone, we're as connected as ever. He told me I'm the only person he trusts, and the same is true for me. We reminisce about the holidays we chose to spend together, and all the beautiful moments that accompanied them.
A few days after the phone call, we FaceTimed each other because I needed math help. We spoke about everything, told jokes, updated each other on friends we had met, and it only ended when his eyes were literally drooping and he couldn't physically stay awake anymore.
What does that mean?
What does that say about us?
Why did he tell me he knew I wasn't the one for him long before he chose to break it off?
I don't really know how to feel anymore. This sounds like a joke but I was watching The Dark Knight a few days ago and I found myself identifying so much with Rachel's storyline in the movie, her knowing that she and the man she loves will never work out until he resolves his own demons, which seems unlikely at the time. It may sound like I'm making myself seem like the better person in this situation, but it's only because my feelings are all I know, and my feelings are that I will always come back to him. I've never felt such a love for someone, such a need to make them happy, and such a connection that I believe would be impossible to recreate. It's like a very, very diluted version of what a mother must feel for her child. Just, "I don't care what happens to me, I just want you to have everything you've ever hoped for". It's hard to explain what I feel when I think about him or talk to him. It's a feeling of knowing with absolute certainty that you will do anything for this person, that you love them so much that you don't even wish the bad parts of them were gone, because then it wouldn't be them. I'm happy when he's happy, and especially when I can make him happy. The only difference between these feelings now as opposed to back then is that I've learned I have to make myself happy too, and that comes first. We may fit like puzzle pieces, but that doesn't mean he makes me whole.
It just means life would be a lot more fun and full of love if he was in it.
It means that I will never want to hurt him, and that I will always try my best to do anything I can for him.
Another thing I know is that these feelings are dangerous. I can't have these feelings and be with someone who doesn't feel the same way. When someone becomes this vulnerable due to feelings of love it's not fair for the other side not to reciprocate. It begs for an uneven power dynamic, and a feeling of fear of losing this person. I don't want to love someone but be afraid that they might wake up one day and not feel the same way. Or even worse, tell me that they never felt that way to begin with.
I'd rather suffer through losing the person I think is The One than be with them knowing they're using my love to make their lives a little easier.
Justin told me I was "emotionally fragile". I've never thought of myself that way, and none of my ex-boyfriends would agree. I've always been the heartbreaker, and have always looked straight through an ex-boyfriend like I never knew his name in the first place. Justin is the same way. So who succumbs to who? I made the decision to let myself become this vulnerable when Justin first told me he loved me and when I didn't respond, asked if he had "ruined it". In truth, I didn't know what to say back to him because I was in shock that someone like him would fall in love with someone like me. Not because I'm lesser than him, but because I thought so highly of him that the entire time we dated I was worried about falling head over heels and him saying, "haha sorry...you're just a girl I'm dating." For him to tell me he loved me first was a complete surprise to me and it's a moment I remember vividly to this day. At that moment I made the decision to completely let my guard down and be the emotional version of me that no one except my cat has seen before.
He, however, chose to be vulnerable at that moment and got no response from me. He thought he had ruined something, and that I would run far away from him. I understand if at this moment something branched off on a different path. I wonder if this initial brief feeling of "shit, I said I love you to her and she didn't say it back" set the course for our doom. People always say the person who says it first is always going to be the more vulnerable one, and maybe he wanted to fight his vulnerability because he thought he had made a mistake. Maybe for the rest of our relationship he made sure to let me tread this new path first, him following closely behind me, but never beside me.
As for me, at that moment, I was so overcome with joy and gratitude for the universe that I was speechless. I was thinking, "this man is an amazing man, and I want to love him as much as he loves me." I didn't know that at that exact moment, maybe he was saying the opposite to himself, reminding himself to make sure my feelings were transparent before his were, and not knowing the effect this would have.
Maybe we were doomed from the start. Maybe my own speechlessness was a pebble in the water, spreading out to everything about us, and turning the tides in quite literally opposite directions.
I believe him when he says I'm the only person he trusts. I know he means it because I know that he knows I would never do any harm towards him. I know that he knows I will always love him. And I'm not sure I like that.
I don't know how to feel about this because it also means that this power dynamic will stay the same unless he fully lets his love bloom freely, the way I let mine grow. I can't put myself in a position where I can be crushed once more, by the same person, because I wanted to give him another chance.
I can't be with someone who's foot is always on the brake, having the ability to put a stop to everything any time he wants to. That's not what love is about. When you love someone you're not in a permanent skeptic mode, examining everything, hoping to see a crack so you can say, "see? told ya". You don't self-sabotage for the chance to feel like you know more about life than others, and that love is just a mirage.
I know, because this is how I used to be. When I tell Justin how all my exes would describe me as a cold-hearted bitch, there's no way he'd believe me. That's just not who I am with him. That's not who he met. And when I tell everyone else about how I am with Justin, how mushy and affectionate I am, they don't believe me either. So the question becomes, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Is me being completely different with one person a true representation of who I am? Is that what True Love is? Finding someone to unlock a part of you that you were sure didn't exist? Or is it a more ominous symptom? Is that normal? Is there something wrong?
For now, all of this is solely hypothetical, as there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix the problems our relationship had, which was distance and an unclear future. Us being together or not will yield the exact same result at this point in time.
My dilemma becomes:
"by believing that I've met the one for me, am I preventing meeting the one for me?"
Of course, this question implies that there is only "one" of those people, but there could very well be both, and then I simply have to choose between them. It's just extremely hard to make a choice when there is no clear outcome. If I choose to cut him off from my life and forget about him, I'm cutting off the most important person in my life, and maybe "giving up" on something too easily that might be the greatest thing to happen to me. If I don't...things will stay as they are and I will have to make the decision to put everyone else on the backburner, as the "other" choice if things don't work out the way I want. The Pepsi in the Coke vs. Pepsi situation, if you will. I could very well be passing up on amazing people just because I'm holding on to a dream.
I wish I could talk to him this way, but I've just seen him turn off his emotions too often during conversations like these for me to really believe I'll gain anything from it. All I can do right now is let life play out the way life does, and if nothing short of a miracle happens, that would fix our problems, and let him put his guard completely down, I would be absolutely willing to do what I can to make it work.
~
You have hardened completely
By the end of this story,
You have learned to look clear
Through the flash of a bulb,
When you hear your own name
From the back of a crowd,
You just straighten your gaze,
No, you don't turn around.
Oh, but there was a time,
At the end of the day,
We were both stood in line
At the museum display,
And you outshone the light
Under which you were bathed,
You could outshine the sky
With the look that you gave,
So don't be afraid
To look back and wave,
Now that waving is all that you do.
At the end of the day,
By the Potsdamer Place,
I am waving back at you.
-"On The Museum Island", Emmy The Great
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
And Yet Another Year Goes By
Whoops, again. I don't know how it is that I enjoy writing about myself so much yet always forget this blog exists.
My life has been pretty crazy this past year. A lot of unexpected things have happened.
I did end up going to beauty school. It was an impulse decision, and it was fun at first, and halfway through I would wake up some mornings and legitimately feel like I was physically incapable of getting out of bed. By the end of it I felt like I was crawling to the finish line any second from passing out. It was horrible. The day after I was done I slept the entire day and the day after that.
I decided not to get my license, because I had become so disillusioned with the profession that I didn't even want to think about blow drying hair and forcing conversation with strangers for several hours at a time. I know myself, and I know that I will never be happy doing this for the rest of my life. But, I have a shit ton of loans I have to pay now so I'm working at a crafts store full-time until I feel stable enough to go back to school.
In terms of my love life, me and Justin did make it pretty far. We were actually very very serious about each other (I mean, who really knows I guess) and we discussed our future often. However, HIS life got turned topsy-turvy and I think he took it out on me. He was pretty much rejected by over a hundred job applications (to simplify med school a bit) and basically has to wait another year before he can apply again. While this was happening we were both stressed out because it was going to change a lot of things about our relationship, not just location. We talked about me relocating and all that, which now seems like it would've been a horrible impulse decision.
A few weeks after it was made clear he didn't have a job, he broke up with me via text and included a myriad of reasons including Ohio, Judge Judy, and what I suspect was some extremely internalized classism. You know me, I'm just a poor girl from the Bronx, who did I think I was, dating a doctor???
Anyways, it hurt a lot and he eventually apologized kinda. Then we started talking again because I was just getting started on my summer glo' up and he was like, "damn...she's fine as hell" or whatever. Then it fell apart again and he basically repeated the same thing he told me the first time, just in a slightly nicer way. We decided to go no-contact forever, which was and still is difficult.
I slipped on the no-contact rule a few times. The first time I just wanted to hear his voice, honestly. I texted him and asked him for some career/school advice, and we spoke for about an hour. He seemed to really be opening up to me, and even confided in me about some family problems he was having, and I was glad that he was still as comfortable talking to me as ever. After that he told me he'd call me back but he never did. I tried to rekindle our conversation by sending him interesting or funny links on facebook/through text but he pretty much ignored them all. I finally learned my lesson and stopped embarrassing myself, although I'm secretly hoping that he stopped talking to me because he knows he'd want to get back together if we kept it up, and having any attachments is extremely impractical for him, considering he doesn't even know where he's going to be living a year from now.
Then, another impulse decision (I obviously love impulse decisions): I applied for an MTV room makeover show, and they actually really liked me and contacted me the next day, and started filming 3 weeks after that. Honestly the show will be a bit embarrassing for me so I'm not sure if I'm really going to advertise it anywhere, but it was an amazing experience. I got really close with the producers and I actually really miss them.
I had to email Justin about it because they were going to use a picture of us for my "backstory" and I let him know he was going to receive an email asking if they could show his face. The only thing he said when he responded was if he was going to get reimbursed for it. Sigh.
It's so difficult trying to move on from a relationship that not only lasted over a year, but also brought out a side of you you never knew existed. I'm a cold bitch and with him I was the biggest pile of mush in the world. It was great while it lasted, I just wish the ending hadn't come with a genuine and profound show of spitefulness. It was a piercing venom I'll always remember.
My life has been pretty crazy this past year. A lot of unexpected things have happened.
I did end up going to beauty school. It was an impulse decision, and it was fun at first, and halfway through I would wake up some mornings and legitimately feel like I was physically incapable of getting out of bed. By the end of it I felt like I was crawling to the finish line any second from passing out. It was horrible. The day after I was done I slept the entire day and the day after that.
I decided not to get my license, because I had become so disillusioned with the profession that I didn't even want to think about blow drying hair and forcing conversation with strangers for several hours at a time. I know myself, and I know that I will never be happy doing this for the rest of my life. But, I have a shit ton of loans I have to pay now so I'm working at a crafts store full-time until I feel stable enough to go back to school.
In terms of my love life, me and Justin did make it pretty far. We were actually very very serious about each other (I mean, who really knows I guess) and we discussed our future often. However, HIS life got turned topsy-turvy and I think he took it out on me. He was pretty much rejected by over a hundred job applications (to simplify med school a bit) and basically has to wait another year before he can apply again. While this was happening we were both stressed out because it was going to change a lot of things about our relationship, not just location. We talked about me relocating and all that, which now seems like it would've been a horrible impulse decision.
A few weeks after it was made clear he didn't have a job, he broke up with me via text and included a myriad of reasons including Ohio, Judge Judy, and what I suspect was some extremely internalized classism. You know me, I'm just a poor girl from the Bronx, who did I think I was, dating a doctor???
Anyways, it hurt a lot and he eventually apologized kinda. Then we started talking again because I was just getting started on my summer glo' up and he was like, "damn...she's fine as hell" or whatever. Then it fell apart again and he basically repeated the same thing he told me the first time, just in a slightly nicer way. We decided to go no-contact forever, which was and still is difficult.
I slipped on the no-contact rule a few times. The first time I just wanted to hear his voice, honestly. I texted him and asked him for some career/school advice, and we spoke for about an hour. He seemed to really be opening up to me, and even confided in me about some family problems he was having, and I was glad that he was still as comfortable talking to me as ever. After that he told me he'd call me back but he never did. I tried to rekindle our conversation by sending him interesting or funny links on facebook/through text but he pretty much ignored them all. I finally learned my lesson and stopped embarrassing myself, although I'm secretly hoping that he stopped talking to me because he knows he'd want to get back together if we kept it up, and having any attachments is extremely impractical for him, considering he doesn't even know where he's going to be living a year from now.
Then, another impulse decision (I obviously love impulse decisions): I applied for an MTV room makeover show, and they actually really liked me and contacted me the next day, and started filming 3 weeks after that. Honestly the show will be a bit embarrassing for me so I'm not sure if I'm really going to advertise it anywhere, but it was an amazing experience. I got really close with the producers and I actually really miss them.
I had to email Justin about it because they were going to use a picture of us for my "backstory" and I let him know he was going to receive an email asking if they could show his face. The only thing he said when he responded was if he was going to get reimbursed for it. Sigh.
It's so difficult trying to move on from a relationship that not only lasted over a year, but also brought out a side of you you never knew existed. I'm a cold bitch and with him I was the biggest pile of mush in the world. It was great while it lasted, I just wish the ending hadn't come with a genuine and profound show of spitefulness. It was a piercing venom I'll always remember.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Whoops
I just remembered this blog existed an hour ago and have spent that time reading through every single post on here. The oldest ones made me cringe but the newer ones brought back memories and were fun to read.
I can't believe I started this blog in 2009, when I was fifteen years old and knew nothing at all about the world. I still don't know much about the world but at least I won't pretend to.
I'm twenty years old now and am still obsessed with writing and documenting my life. I've got more outlets than necessary; I've got my main diary which I keep forgetting to write in or lose every once in a while, I've got my "question a day" journal, and I've got a temporary blog on Tumblr that I made when I forgot to bring my diary with me to Long Island, where I'd be staying for three weeks.
This kind of doubles as a diary, but the content, because of the feeling of typing on a public website, is different so it's not redundant.
I'm still living in The Bronx, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I've got a Canadian boyfriend, Justin, who I don't always get to see when I want, but he's wonderful and so much more than I could ever ask for.
I'm thinking of going to cosmetology school in the fall. Although I enjoy academics and am intelligent enough to pass classes without much effort, the school I currently go to is two hours away and I stop showing up to classes about halfway through every semester. It's kind of embarrassing; I feel like I'm wasting potential and opportunities. I need to make a change so I'm not wasting my young years (London Grammar reference). Justin is finishing medical school so he's going to do some pretty amazing things. He kind of motivates me to get my shit together because it hasn't been easy for him but he's pushed through it. Meanwhile, I keep giving up at the drop of a hat. He's going to be staying with me in August and if I haven't done what needs to be done before he gets here I'll be so embarrassed because there's no reason for me to not have my life together at this point.
I can't believe I started this blog in 2009, when I was fifteen years old and knew nothing at all about the world. I still don't know much about the world but at least I won't pretend to.
I'm twenty years old now and am still obsessed with writing and documenting my life. I've got more outlets than necessary; I've got my main diary which I keep forgetting to write in or lose every once in a while, I've got my "question a day" journal, and I've got a temporary blog on Tumblr that I made when I forgot to bring my diary with me to Long Island, where I'd be staying for three weeks.
This kind of doubles as a diary, but the content, because of the feeling of typing on a public website, is different so it's not redundant.
I'm still living in The Bronx, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I've got a Canadian boyfriend, Justin, who I don't always get to see when I want, but he's wonderful and so much more than I could ever ask for.
I'm thinking of going to cosmetology school in the fall. Although I enjoy academics and am intelligent enough to pass classes without much effort, the school I currently go to is two hours away and I stop showing up to classes about halfway through every semester. It's kind of embarrassing; I feel like I'm wasting potential and opportunities. I need to make a change so I'm not wasting my young years (London Grammar reference). Justin is finishing medical school so he's going to do some pretty amazing things. He kind of motivates me to get my shit together because it hasn't been easy for him but he's pushed through it. Meanwhile, I keep giving up at the drop of a hat. He's going to be staying with me in August and if I haven't done what needs to be done before he gets here I'll be so embarrassed because there's no reason for me to not have my life together at this point.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Finally, there is clarity.
Sometimes we think that if we meet someone who is amazing that the only way you'll stop talking to each other is if something happens. Sometimes Nothing happens, and that's worse. But I've accepted that it's just something that happens and I am not upset about it at all.
One moment you're talking all the time, every opportunity you get, because you just get each other. The next moment you haven't bothered to say hi in two weeks. And the worst part is you don't mind.
People are always coming and going, and when someone new comes into your life you have to give someone else up. I don't believe this, or maybe I do, but that's just the way it happens. You spend your efforts on one person but when someone new comes along you spend less time thinking about that person.
That's kind of what has happened with Guy #1. If you can remember, I loved this guy. We had tons in common and had fun together whenever we hung out. I was even extremely upset when he told me he couldn't be more than friends. I was heartbroken. But I had a feeling it was for the best, and I was right. It's funny the way things work out.
I feel like I'm being kind of erratic because there are so many thoughts running through my mind.
Whenever I meet someone new that I really like, someone else becomes obsolete. But by accident.
Like I said, Nothing happens.
After a while, when you speak again, you realize you have nothing to say, really. You just talk about what you've been doing since you last spoke, which has no bearing on anything else. I fill you in on what's been happening with me, you do the same, and then what?
I don't want to make plans because it doesn't seem necessary anymore. We don't need to see each other regularly to maintain our relationship because it's transformed to something that used to be. Something full of good memories and fun times and I don't see the point in trying to recreate those moments anymore.
That's all everything is, isn't it? Trying to recreate good memories?
So while we say to each other, "Maybe we can watch more of this, we did that before and it was fun."
"Maybe we can go to that place you liked to eat at."
"Maybe we can go to a show, I said I'd take you to one."
We try to make it feel like old times, to start again where we left off, but it doesn't work that way.
Once Nothing happens, you realize how irrelevant we are, as two people talking to each other. There is no need.
Guy #4 is really growing on me. He is the reason for my indifference towards Guy #1. And Guy #3. Me and Guy #2 still talk to each other.
Guy #2 was someone that I wanted to constantly impress. I wanted him to be proud of me and think, "this girl is worth something." I got jealous when he spoke about his main interest because that's who I wanted to be. I didn't understand why she was better than me.
I still don't understand why, but it doesn't matter anymore. Because now, he told me he wants to get a bit more serious with me.
This is what I wanted all along. Or what I thought I wanted.
I'm his alternative. Girl #1 is not responding to his advances, so he goes to the next best thing.
The problem is that while he was trying to impress her and get her attention, I didn't sit and wait. I went and searched for someone who would make me their #1. Their first choice. I wanted to win the gold medal, for once.
And I found that.
I also found someone who I've connected more on an emotional level than a physical level. Someone who gets me even more than Guy #1.
Don't get me wrong, I still like Guy #2, but he doesn't understand me. We don't talk. He doesn't understand my humor. He likes me primarily for my looks. I tried really hard to get into his mind and figure him out, but he doesn't care about making deep connections with people.
Guy #4 is as close to perfect as I've ever gotten, thus far. There is nothing personality-wise that I don't like about him.
I just want to talk to him all the time. There's so much to say. I've got this extreme appetite for conversation with him. We say things. We speak. It's amazing. There isn't any rush to do anything further, like sex, which would be very odd for me if it were anyone else. But I feel like it isn't necessary, not at all. It doesn't even cross my mind when we're speaking. It would seem like a waste of time, because we could be talking instead. I want to know everything. I want to devour everything he says , every single word, and have it inside of me and have it stay there forever.
And now whenever I talk to anyone else, it feels stupid and meaningless and empty. What's the point? We aren't saying anything.
One moment you're talking all the time, every opportunity you get, because you just get each other. The next moment you haven't bothered to say hi in two weeks. And the worst part is you don't mind.
People are always coming and going, and when someone new comes into your life you have to give someone else up. I don't believe this, or maybe I do, but that's just the way it happens. You spend your efforts on one person but when someone new comes along you spend less time thinking about that person.
That's kind of what has happened with Guy #1. If you can remember, I loved this guy. We had tons in common and had fun together whenever we hung out. I was even extremely upset when he told me he couldn't be more than friends. I was heartbroken. But I had a feeling it was for the best, and I was right. It's funny the way things work out.
I feel like I'm being kind of erratic because there are so many thoughts running through my mind.
Whenever I meet someone new that I really like, someone else becomes obsolete. But by accident.
Like I said, Nothing happens.
After a while, when you speak again, you realize you have nothing to say, really. You just talk about what you've been doing since you last spoke, which has no bearing on anything else. I fill you in on what's been happening with me, you do the same, and then what?
I don't want to make plans because it doesn't seem necessary anymore. We don't need to see each other regularly to maintain our relationship because it's transformed to something that used to be. Something full of good memories and fun times and I don't see the point in trying to recreate those moments anymore.
That's all everything is, isn't it? Trying to recreate good memories?
So while we say to each other, "Maybe we can watch more of this, we did that before and it was fun."
"Maybe we can go to that place you liked to eat at."
"Maybe we can go to a show, I said I'd take you to one."
We try to make it feel like old times, to start again where we left off, but it doesn't work that way.
Once Nothing happens, you realize how irrelevant we are, as two people talking to each other. There is no need.
Guy #4 is really growing on me. He is the reason for my indifference towards Guy #1. And Guy #3. Me and Guy #2 still talk to each other.
Guy #2 was someone that I wanted to constantly impress. I wanted him to be proud of me and think, "this girl is worth something." I got jealous when he spoke about his main interest because that's who I wanted to be. I didn't understand why she was better than me.
I still don't understand why, but it doesn't matter anymore. Because now, he told me he wants to get a bit more serious with me.
This is what I wanted all along. Or what I thought I wanted.
I'm his alternative. Girl #1 is not responding to his advances, so he goes to the next best thing.
The problem is that while he was trying to impress her and get her attention, I didn't sit and wait. I went and searched for someone who would make me their #1. Their first choice. I wanted to win the gold medal, for once.
And I found that.
I also found someone who I've connected more on an emotional level than a physical level. Someone who gets me even more than Guy #1.
Don't get me wrong, I still like Guy #2, but he doesn't understand me. We don't talk. He doesn't understand my humor. He likes me primarily for my looks. I tried really hard to get into his mind and figure him out, but he doesn't care about making deep connections with people.
Guy #4 is as close to perfect as I've ever gotten, thus far. There is nothing personality-wise that I don't like about him.
I just want to talk to him all the time. There's so much to say. I've got this extreme appetite for conversation with him. We say things. We speak. It's amazing. There isn't any rush to do anything further, like sex, which would be very odd for me if it were anyone else. But I feel like it isn't necessary, not at all. It doesn't even cross my mind when we're speaking. It would seem like a waste of time, because we could be talking instead. I want to know everything. I want to devour everything he says , every single word, and have it inside of me and have it stay there forever.
And now whenever I talk to anyone else, it feels stupid and meaningless and empty. What's the point? We aren't saying anything.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
One of the sweetest guys I've ever met!
Okay so I met someone who's really awesome. Let's call him Guy #4. If I had a "type", this guy would be 100% it. He's tall, good looking, loves music, likes ALL the same shows I do, and finds my sense of humor hilarious, which is new. Usually people don't get my jokes -__-
Anyway, we met up recently and it was a lot of fun. We got some frozen yogurt and a giant cookie, and came back to my house to watch Doctor Who.
What I loved most about our "date" was that there was absolutely no mention of sex/anything sexual. Usually this is all guys want to talk about, and ask me personal questions. He didn't, which I found awesome. We got along SO well that we didn't need to go there. To be honest I felt completely comfortable with him and wouldn't have been angry with him if he did ask me anything, but I love the fact that he didn't. The only time we were really touching sort of intimately was when he put his arm over me while watching Doctor Who. We had a couple of innocent kisses when he was leaving, but other than that, we just talked and enjoyed each other's company.
He played guitar for me and I have to say, I am extremely impressed. He's better than anyone I know. He sang me "Kathy's Song" which is such a beautiful song and I didn't even have any words to express how awesome it was. In return I played him some of my favorite songs and he made me feel really talented about my voice, which I always thought was mediocre at best.
He left around 11 and we had to wait a really long time for the train. But it was a great day.
Earlier today he sent me some videos of himself playing "Kathy's Song" and I can't wait to show my friends at school. He's got such amazing eyes and he really knows how to work the camera with them hahaha.
But yeah, it's been such a good week.
Anyway, we met up recently and it was a lot of fun. We got some frozen yogurt and a giant cookie, and came back to my house to watch Doctor Who.
What I loved most about our "date" was that there was absolutely no mention of sex/anything sexual. Usually this is all guys want to talk about, and ask me personal questions. He didn't, which I found awesome. We got along SO well that we didn't need to go there. To be honest I felt completely comfortable with him and wouldn't have been angry with him if he did ask me anything, but I love the fact that he didn't. The only time we were really touching sort of intimately was when he put his arm over me while watching Doctor Who. We had a couple of innocent kisses when he was leaving, but other than that, we just talked and enjoyed each other's company.
He played guitar for me and I have to say, I am extremely impressed. He's better than anyone I know. He sang me "Kathy's Song" which is such a beautiful song and I didn't even have any words to express how awesome it was. In return I played him some of my favorite songs and he made me feel really talented about my voice, which I always thought was mediocre at best.
He left around 11 and we had to wait a really long time for the train. But it was a great day.
Earlier today he sent me some videos of himself playing "Kathy's Song" and I can't wait to show my friends at school. He's got such amazing eyes and he really knows how to work the camera with them hahaha.
But yeah, it's been such a good week.
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