I think I've only been truly in love twice in my life. I'm not entirely sure how to quantify what real love is, and I sometimes doubt if I know what love even is, but only twice have I felt that I unconditionally loved someone, and was sure we'd be married. 

The first was Jeff, my boyfriend from around 2009-2013, on-and-off. Our ears were filled with the many voices of our friends and family telling us we were soulmates and that we were going to grow up, get married, and have lots of kids. We believed them. Although we broke up and got back together multiple times, which is never a good sign, what ultimately brought us down was a lack of similar interests as we reached young adulthood and honestly, a little bit of classism on my end. This was back when I still believed that if anyone worked hard enough, they would make the American Dream a reality, and if they didn't, it was probably because they were too lazy. I thought Jeff had no ambition and would never "make it". Now I know better, and kind of hate teenage-me, but I'll give myself a pass for being young and dumb.

The second time was Justin (interestingly, I have a tendency to date J-named Cancers), who I've written about on here probably just as often as Jeff. Spanning three years from 2014-2017, we spent a good part of our relationship in two different countries, and the hopeless romantic in me loved to wallow and brood about how far apart we were while listening to sad love songs. This is where I got my karma; Justin was a white, 25-year-old medical student who came from money, and he constantly belittled my then-retail career and insinuated that he would never marry someone who lacked ambition the way I did. I was pretty depressed for the last year of our relationship, feeling as though I wasn't worthy of dating someone who was so smart and accomplished, but also he was just kind of an asshole in general. 

These two men take up a good amount of space in my head, and although I haven't spoken to Jeff in years, Justin and I speak pretty regularly and reminisce on our relationship through smudged, rose-colored glasses. 

I surprised myself when upon learning Jeff was in a relationship, and apparently madly in love, I felt sad that somehow we would never have another chance. I honestly don't know where that came from, and I had never even thought about reconnecting with him, so those visceral and knee-jerk feelings that erupted from me genuinely took me by surprise. I think what it boils down to is that me and Jeff have more in common fundamentally than anyone I've ever dated before: raised in Latino households, yet drawn to American counterculture, making us both the black sheep of our families. His new girlfriend seemed to be the same.

A few weeks ago, I noticed that Jeff had taken down almost all his photos, most notably the many photo-dumps of his girlfriend accompanied by long and winding proclamations of love and adoration from his Instagram page, and I was intrigued. Unfortunately, it seems as though he has no other forms of social media, so I scrolled through Facebook, where I still had his mom as a friend, looking for clues. I don't know why I did this, I don't even live in New York anymore and I doubt that we could ever work again, but the lizard-brain in me wanted him to be an option. 

That led me to tonight, in between rounds of virtual-pool with my sister and quickly losing my focus, I tried to go as deep as I possibly could to find any information about his relationship status. I came up empty-handed, and my sister tried to give me good excuses to send him a message and strike up a conversation, something I don't think I'll ever have the guts to do. I do actually still have some of his baby photos, so if I'm ever in New York I'll have a good reason to visit his mom and hope he's around (they still live across the street from my mom's house). However, I think it's a little unfair to drag people from my past into my fits of nostalgia and what-if delusions, because I'd be a little annoyed if it happened to me (and it has). I guess for now I'll try to get to know him through sparse and shallow social media posts and imagine what he's like now, 7 years since I knew him last.

The Artist Who Is Not An Artist

I've always felt that although I am artistically inclined, I can't think the way artists think. Things that innate artists are able to "see" and "feel" never made any sense to me whatsoever without understanding some underlying theory behind it.

For example, when I did custom framing, I could never help people who were unsure of what colors went well with their art, or who straight-up told me, "I came here so you guys could design the colors for me, you're the professionals." Although I loved the job and loved working with art, I couldn't think abstractly and instead went into my mental catalog of complementary colors and used that to justify whatever color decision I was making on behalf of the customer. Instead, I became very good at production, and became one of the store's valuable production specialists who could join a frame properly, cut glass to its exact specifications, and find the best way to stretch a canvas.

In the hair industry, whenever someone sat in my chair and said "I want to do something that would go well with my face shape and/or skin color", I drew a blank. I had a very hard time trying to come up with some inspired idea of what length or color this person's hair should be to maximize their beauty, and I seemed to be one of the only ones there who had this issue. As much as people explained it to me (round faces need length, long faces need volume!), I still had a hard time drawing a blueprint in my mind of how I would go about making someone's face look better.

I went to cosmetology school because I was fascinated by the idea that holding a section of hair at a certain angle would create a specific shape, and that adding a stronger developer to color would make hair react more strongly. I wanted to learn the theory behind all of this, and wanted to be able to replicate it and be able to look at a head of hair at the end and see my 'blueprint' work out. However, I soon learned that all of this theory and technical knowledge only gets you as far as taking a state board exam and getting a license. Once in the salon, that all kind of goes out the window in terms of education.

We have weekly classes that alternate between cutting and color, and they are taught by stylists who currently work at the salon. I'm currently the senior assistant, so I work very closely with the salon owner, who is a comically abstract thinker and almost seems like a caricature of art teachers in comedies who can "feel" the world and know what it needs. This crosses over into her hairstyling, which involves almost no theory, and instead manifests as "feeling the hair and knowing where to cut it". She doesn't section the hair, she doesn't use hair clips, she barely even uses a comb. It's fascinating to watch, and almost impossible to learn from. For me, as her right-hand-person at this point, it results in a lot of frustrating days and long periods of her trying to explain something to me in her own way, to no avail. So, I've stopped asking questions.

In response to my frustrations regarding lack of technical and theoretical education, many stylists tell me you have to be able to think visually as well as theoretically. Although I do believe this might be true for hair coloring, I disagree in terms of hair cutting. In fact, I've spent hours watching hair cutting videos on YouTube and Instagram because as they are explaining each step, I'm understanding how precise everything they are doing is. It all has a purpose and a plan. In the end, although the client sees a great haircut, the stylist is seeing all of the purposeful cuts they made at each point and how they culminate in an error-proof cut.

The difference, of course, is that in a salon setting your goal as a hairstylist is to eventually get your haircuts down to less than an hour in order to maximize your pay and the amount of clients you can see. You're also bound to your scheduling, so if you feel that you didn't make sure the cut was perfect, it doesn't matter, because your next client is here and they've already been waiting for ten minutes.

Anyway, I've been seriously reconsidering my career path lately and have been looking at some options outside of the hair industry that might fit my learning style a lot better. I sort of had this epiphany today that the reason everything I've been pursuing in my life is art-adjacent stems from the fact that I went to a theater arts school from the ages of twelve to eighteen. I don't think it has anything to do with being a person who is inclined to make art in some way.

I think that explains a lot about why I can play guitar pretty well and sing, but I can't write any of my own music. If I was locked in a room and the only way out was to write a song complete with lyrics and an original chord progression, I'd probably die.

I don't know what you'd call it when someone can copy something really well but can't make anything of their own, but I've had that feeling many times in my life regarding art. I guess writing is a form of art but there's also a universal structure to writing in the form of grammar, spelling, formatting, etc. so it doesn't really feel like I'm doing anything original. I'm basically just writing down my thoughts and throwing it into the void.

I've been watching some coding videos online and considering going to a coding bootcamp, and I think I'd be really good at it based on what I know about myself and my abilities. I've written some code and watched it come to life and it's actually very enjoyable. So I guess we'll see if three years from now I write a new blog post about how coding is too structured and boring and I don't have any freedom.

Good thing I still live at home and don't pay rent!

Drinking rum in the bathroom

I see myself in impulsive girls

Girls who won’t ever advance

Won’t ever marry or settle down

I’m living in a trance 

Of my own design

To distract myself 

From an anxious mind 

In Limbo

What do you do when you're worried that something isn't forever but it's good for right now?

Me and Danny have been together for over a year now and although I've had many close calls with calling the whole thing off, the good still outweighs the bad. I just feel like it can't last.

For starters, things are totally different now than they were when we first met. As in, our personalities are totally different. This is maybe my bias talking, but I think my change comes in response to his change; I don't think we both changed at the same time. Now, he might disagree on that but from my perspective, that's what happened.

In the beginning, we were, for lack of a less pathetic word, obsessed with each other. I know it's not realistic to expect that to last a year in, but it's what came with the obsession that led to me being drunk and crying to my best friend that I found "The One" one night. It's what came with the obsession that led to him buying me lunch out of the blue while I was at work, and bringing me small gifts every week. It's what came with the obsession that led to us having long phone calls every single night before we went to bed.

Okay, so all of that comes with the honeymoon phase, fair enough. But what about pet names, affection, desire, passion? Does that all go away after a year, too? I would've expected that to last, at least; fuck all the gifts and the lunches.

Along with the lack of emotional and physical intimacy comes the fact that Danny can sometimes be down-right mean. To me, to his friends, to my friends, to customer service reps, to cashiers, etc. I have a theory that involves him being raised by a woman who had to do whatever she could to get to the top of the ladder, including being a "total bitch". He's mentioned before that he saw his mom act this way and she always got what she wanted. Now, back in the 80's or whatever when you were the only woman in a male-dominated industry, I totally get it. She surmounted countless challenges and sexism and paved her own road, her own way. That's cool. Whatever.

However, when the product of that, being a white male with a booming voice who's had an extremely privileged life, uses those tactics to get an extra discount at the coffee shop or to get a clothing retailer to extend their return policy, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It represents everything I hate, and everything I yell about on the internet with other socialism-sympathizing poor people of color from bad neighborhoods. My friends don't understand how I can deal with it, neither do I.

I've had countless conversations about his behavior with him before, but in his mind, that's just the way shit gets done. His response is that I'm "too nice", and too willing to acquiesce to others to prevent confrontation. Okay, so let's say we're complete opposites when it comes to politeness and confrontations. I'm actually extremely comfortable with being too nice, and I'd always choose being nice as opposed to being mean. I like who I am as a person, and I sleep at night genuinely feeling like I live my life every day based on being as kind as generous as I can be. I would never give that up just to get...what, in arguments with cashiers over ten cents, or causing a scene at a clothing store because I brought my item in a few days after their return period ended? No, thanks. I'm good.

This isn't to say that I hate Danny or that I want to break up with him. There are good things, too. He makes me laugh more than anyone else, he will literally cook me all three meals of the day without me even asking him to, he always plans fun things to do that I would've never found on my own. He also really knows me, like he can anticipate my every move and emotion, which is kind of scary because I don't want anyone having that power. He just somehow possesses the key to who I am, which no one else before him had. Although, I know he has issues with who I am, too.

He doesn't like how polite I am, which we've covered. He think's I'm not ambitious or driven enough. He thinks I'm lazy because on my days off I'd rather stay at home. That's all fair, we have totally different values and define "success" differently, I guess. That's one of the issues I see being a reason for a break-up in the future. That, along with the fact that I moved out of his house just as fast as I moved in because of his need to keep things the way he likes without anyone else interfering. This is a trivial complaint, but we also have totally different styles of home-decor, which neither of us is willing to budge on, so that's another reason I don't think we'd ever be able to co-habitate on a long-term basis.

This is getting long, so I'd better wrap it up.

I'm just in this relationship-limbo, where I don't see how we can compromise on our differences in the long term but I'm having fun in the moment. Of course, thinking about all of this makes it less fun, but there's really no concrete reason to break up right now. At least, nothing that's making me miserable. I have to be careful though because I fell into the same trap in my last two serious relationships where I stayed because "nothing" had happened, but I ultimately wasn't happy. The only difference here is that Danny isn't a toxic boyfriend and doesn't manipulate me and gives me my space. We do our own thing most of the time, and that's cool. It may be that I'm finally in an actual healthy relationship, but what if it isn't with the right person for me, or not the right time, and I don't know how to navigate that without having a giant red flag waving in my face? That's a real possibility. Danny is a great boyfriend, and makes an effort to be a great boyfriend, but what if he's just not right for me?

It's times like these when I wish I hadn't stopped seeing my therapist.

The Unbearability of Overthinking

I've been thinking so much lately about going back to school even though I have no idea what I would even want to study. Every day I get up and go to work and wonder, is this what my life is going to be like forever? I keep wanting to change my mind about what I do because I'm worried about making the wrong choice. 

Every single day, every single decision I make, every single thing I say, I wonder if it'll cause some kind of irreparable change to the rest of my life. I worry every night about making the wrong choice for myself. 

It's 2 AM right now and I'm sitting in bed even though I have to be up early for work thinking about what my future looks like. How could someone even know what the future will look like? It's impossible. I'm so worried about making the wrong choice, taking the wrong path, because I think life will be unbearable if I get any more unhappy than I am now. I think the root of my anxiety is my constant state of existential dread. It is all too often in the day that I have to take a moment to think about what I'm doing with my life and wonder if I'm doing it wrong. 

I don't think I will ever be happy with any decision I make because I'll always wonder if it's the wrong one. That worries me even more, because it's like my life is becoming some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I'm doomed to be unhappy. Will my medication ever make me change my mind about that? 

Every time I meet with my psychiatrist, she asks (as a way to determine where I'm at mentally and if I'm improving), "If there was a button in front of you right now, and if you pressed it you would've never existed, would you press it?" And I don't think the answer to that will ever change because I don't see how anyone would turn down never existing in the first place. And I can't tell if that's just my messed up brain talking or if I've come to that conclusion of my own sane mind. 

Who wouldn't choose to have never existed in the first place? You don't ever get to experience heartbreak, pain, hunger, neglect, or anything unpleasant at all. True, you also never experience any good but how can you miss something you never had? You would literally have never existed. You wouldn't even have the consciousness to even ask "what if"? So why does it matter?

Anyway, this constant worry I have about making the wrong choice for my life is driving me crazy. I can't just make a decision and settle down and be happy with it. I always question myself. It's torture. I keep waiting for a lightbulb to go off in my head and a sudden realization of what I'm supposed to do with my life. But what are any of us supposed to do with our lives? We are all just tiny specks floating in space. Nothing we do really matters in the grand scheme of the universe. 

So maybe I should just do whatever I want and just think that life is short and it won't matter in a million years. We are on this planet for such a short amount of time that I hate having to feel like I have to have some enlightened meaningful existence to be human. 

But at the same time, I know I have the potential to do some amazing things with my life. I just don't know what those things are. I feel like at 23 most people know more or less what their passions are in life. All I know is I just want to love and be loved forever. Forget a career, I just want someone to float with me through this ridiculous thing we call "living".

I just feel like my brain is full of holes or something that I can never patch up. I know it's not normal to be this way and to think about these things every single day. I'm really worried for myself in the future because I'm scared that these feelings will only grow stronger as I age, and that I'll feel as though I'm wasting even more of my life. 

I'm just scared all the time.

Self-Awareness and Self-Deprecation

I've started a semi-new job, once that I am particularly good at. This doesn't surprise me. Not because it's a relatively easy-to-acquire retail job, but because if I really enjoy doing something, I always succeed.

My manager and I have developed a unique employee/employer relationship. After half a year of working for her, we have become best friends. I just got home after a night out drinking with her and I've realized I am unsure about my feelings when receiving work-related compliments from her outside of a professional setting. This is a testament to why you shouldn't mix business with pleasure, as the saying goes.

I've always considered myself to be someone who is very self-aware of myself and other's perception of me. However, to admit to being self-aware automatically negates the proclamation. There is just something about telling other people what you think of yourself that makes your claim less reliable, even if they agree. I remember in the 11th grade telling my English teacher that I found myself to be "self-righteous" (obviously not in a good way) and watching him double over with laughter, unsure why. I quickly became embarrassed and have always remembered that moment vividly, a reminder that no one takes what you think of yourself seriously.

Today was a particularly good day for me, because I overheard my manager and my senior discussing how impressed someone was of me. The person in question is another one of my seniors, Andrew, who fits the caricature of the anti-social genius. He is the best at what he does, and doesn't seem to bother making nice with any of the other coworkers at my job, because, we assume, he is too smart and too busy to bother with what new meme we find especially hilarious. From my first day at work, I knew this was the person to impress. I found myself listening and watching carefully what he responds to, hoping to find something meaningful to add to his conversations. He is the designated teacher at our job, and I made sure to always ask him questions; not because he is an important facet of our success, but because he knows everything and there is a lot to learn from him.

Anyway, his specialty is coming up with ways to fix things that no one else would think of. He is very technical and hands-on. Today I fixed something which prevented a considerable delay in our work, and my senior said, "Andrew would be impressed." I was only half listening, and only heard a fragment of my manager's sentence, which was, "I told him from the beginning, spend some time with her, and he didn't believe me." I looked up and said, "what did you say?" and she said, "I told Andrew to spend time with you, because he'd like you. Now you're his favorite."

I just laughed and kept on working, because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but it meant a lot that someone who I have such high regard for would be impressed with me. At that moment I understood why my schedule had been changing recently (Andrew makes the schedule, and he had been scheduling me for early, production-heavy shifts, as opposed to the low-level, late night sales-based shifts) and why he had been pulling me aside to teach me new techniques that 6-month-old employees usually had no use for.

Another valuable employee in our company, Bre, is another "genius" at her job, but she is extremely social, and has no problem exclaiming how highly she thinks of particularly good workers. She has made several comments lately about how I'm turning into her "mini-me", "clone", etc. I'm always the first to volunteer for extra shifts, and she said I reminded her of herself in this way. Today she also paid me a compliment that I didn't know how to respond to. She mentioned looking at the schedule and being upset that another employee was going to be working with her in the morning, and then she saw my name and said "thank god, now I won't have to worry". Again, I just laughed and kept working, but buried this compliment deep in my mind, so I wouldn't forget.

And now we get to just an hour ago, another compliment I received from someone I value. My manager/best friend's boyfriend, Matt, who is a like a big brother to me. I've never had someone to look up to and depend on to defend me and look out for me besides my partner, and it is so nice to know I have another male figure in my corner who looks out for me. My manager told me that Matt told her I was his favorite out of her friends, despite only knowing him 3 months or so. This is a guy who told me, after one of his friends was pressuring me to make out with him one drunken night, that if this guy ever bothered me again, to tell him and he'd "punch him in the fucking face". It meant a lot to me as someone who is severely lacking in people to defend me and protect me, since my mother never did this and I never felt secure in this sense.

I think a lot of these compliments are a consequence of being someone who is self-aware. I can pinpoint all kinds of relationships, romantic and otherwise, that didn't work out for me because the other person wasn't self-aware, and it is something me and my partner Justin always talk about. I'm with someone who is as self-aware as I am, and all my friends are, too. Our problems with other people (confrontations, bad impressions, complaints about behavior) are all because of those people not being able to detect how they come off to others, and so they say stupid things that ruin our opinion of them and make it so that we can never hang out with them as casual friends. My manager tells me I'm especially good at dealing with customers who are unhappy, especially good at fixing problems, and an especially good friend. She is so comfortable with me that she tells me who she wants to fire, who she is unhappy with, and even trusts me with secrets about those higher up in the chain. It makes me feel very good about myself that despite my failures in academia, I am considered one of the smartest people a lot of my friends know. The key here is that I don't talk about it. It really doesn't matter what you think of yourself, all that matters is how others see you, and a lot of the time that's what will feed your self-esteem tank. People are way more likely to give you compliments if you yourself don't talk about those things you believe you are great at.

An example of this is another girl I work with, who is the complete opposite of me in this vein of self-awareness. She has extremely pungent body odor that she and her friends are apparently incapable of noticing, she has an extremely obnoxious "customer service" voice, and she does not understand social cues well. She has a nice singing voice, and that is very difficult for me to admit because of how much she talks about it. We all work in a relatively small room, within a few feet of each other. Many times she will start singing loud enough for all of us to hear and we all know she does this as a way to fish for compliments. One particular day, after maybe a half hour of her singing non-stop, she says to no one in particular, "haha, I remember when ____ heard me sing" to which no one responded because of the obvious bait. Then she says, "he was like, "wow, you have a really nice voice!" Again no one said anything, and I could feel how uncomfortable we all were to agree with her, and I was cringing almost visibly. It is so difficult, even when someone is talented, to pay them a compliment that they had already paid to themselves tenfold. It's like they don't deserve it, because they have already received the esteem boost through their own conceitedness, and it feels undeserved. We are all quick to compliment others when they are not aware of their talents. Why is that? It's hard for me to come up with an answer, because I am complicit in it to. I am self-deprecating sometimes, so that...what, people think I'm a better person for not admitting how good I am at something? Humility is the crux of self-awareness. You cannot believe yourself to the best at anything without making others feel like you think yourself to be superior to them. This is why stories like Cinderella's are so popular, can you imagine how less pure we would think her to be if she spent most of the story saying, "I am clearly the best looking out of my sisters, and I am also the the kindest, most charitable, and humble. Why don't I get treated better?" We would hate her, and say to her, "Maybe if you stopped talking about yourself all the time you would find someone to be interested in you."

I guess it becomes disingenuous when someone is aware of what they are doing right, and then expect someone to compliment them. It seems like they are more concerned with the recognition than just being good at something and performing it with no expectation of a reward. We subconsciously dislike people who seem to think very highly of themselves, and something as simple as a sentence spoken out loud validating themselves is enough to leave us with a bad taste in our mouths. Maybe it's why we love stories of people who did the right thing and didn't realize anyone was watching, or dogs who see something wrong with their owners and doing something to help them, although there has been no previous conditioning to do so. Maybe that's why I write on a public blogging platform and don't give anyone my URL. Maybe that's why we have given meaning to a finch landing on Bernie Sander's podium as he was talking; after all, wild animals seemed to know how pure-hearted and selfless Cinderella was, and therefore flocked to her.

To me, there is no choice but to not compliment yourself in matters of talent, especially at work, where you are supposed to be doing the best you are able to do to being with. Why would I tell my senior, "wow, I'm really good at ___" when that's what my job entails anyway? Why would I tell my friend, "wow, I am a great listener", when to be a good friend, that's what you are supposed to do? It doesn't matter that many others fail at many facets of social life; you can't praise yourself for being the best version of a friend/employee/romantic partner you can be. To be mediocre and be self-deprecating, at least others can see that you are aware of your short-comings and are willing to help yourself. The opposite, however, is not attractive. Of course, there are many people who are self-deprecating on purpose, because they know their insults to themselves are not accurate and they seek validation from others, but that is always very, very easy to see through. I don't think we give other people enough credit for knowing when we are being genuine and when we are not. It sounds like I am leading a deeply-religious life, not ever complimenting myself except for the rare occasion when someone tells me I am very good at something and I can say, "thank you, this has always been something I have tried to work on, and I have done my best." However, I just do not want to put myself in a place where I make others dislike me and feel as though I think highly of myself because I am innately better. I am just lucky to be self-aware enough to know what parts of self-acknowledging behavior others are uncomfortable with. One of my biggest fears is having many people share the same negative opinion of me. I have seen and felt the discomfort of working around those who give themselves unwarranted praise, and it is probably one of the worst traits to have in the social-interaction-based reality that is our existence.

I Think I'm Becoming "That Girl"

Last night I had a horrible night out drinking, which is unfortunately becoming the norm for me.

There have been four times now that I've gone out with friends and made a complete fool of myself and blacked out.

One was in NJ with two of my classmates, where I ended up throwing up and laying down on a dirty bathroom floor and then falling asleep at an IHOP.

Two was in the Bronx at a bar and grill with my best friend and three other people that I never met up until that point, and I started aggressively making out with one of the girls we were with the entire night. The next morning I had no idea how I got home.

Three was on my birthday in April: Me and my three close friends started pregaming at my house before we went out, and this began at around 3pm. By 6pm I was blacked out, and the rest of the story is just what my friends told me. We went to the same bar and grill from above and as soon as we got there I threw up in the bathroom and laid down on the floor. After an hour or so of some kind strangers helping me get up, I went back to our booth and started sobbing for no reason. They had to take me home in a cab and since it was only 10pm they went back.

This one happened last night, and it might be the worst one because I went out with my coworkers to see my manager's band play. It was in Williamsburg which is pretty far from where I live and I should've thought about this before I started drinking.

I was perfectly fine after 3 drinks although I could tell I was really drunk. I was still functioning and we were getting ready to leave when my coworkers have the idea to get high before we left.

Before I go on with this story here's something very important about me that you should know:
I am ALWAYS anxious, and for this reason I never smoke weed because it makes me a hundred times worse than I already am. I have never had a good experience getting high, so I stay away from it whenever possible. In this situation however, I was so drunk that I was running on a "don't mind if i do" mentality. Who knows what I would've done if it was offered to me.

So we sat down on the sidewalk a few blocks away from the train station and they did their thing, and I took some pulls of two joints they had and at this point I began losing track of time and reality. There was one moment of consciousness when I had a clear though, which was, "uh oh...this isn't good..." and got the idea to fall asleep on my friend's leg. All I remember after that is them waking me up and as soon as I stood up everything felt like it was moving at 100mph. My vision was literally moving like I was on a motorcycle. I started to freak out and got really nauseous and ended up vomiting in the street and being completely incapable of moving. My friends tried to get me up but my body was just not responding to me. I have literally never felt the way I did last night, and at one point I wanted to tell them to call an ambulance because I thought I was going to die. It was fucking terrifying.

All I remember is everyone trying to talk to me and get a response out of me and me just...nothing. Not moving, not speaking, I couldn't even see. And these are COWORKERS, not close friends or people I'm never going to see again. I'm just so happy my manager had left by that point, because if I was her I would never be able to look at me the same way.

I woke up this morning in one of my coworker's bed, and I asked her if everyone was upset with me or if they were annoyed but it seems like everyone was just worried. Unless she's lying and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, in which case I don't think I'd want to know or I'd literally quit my job out of embarrassment.

I just can't believe how often this has happened to me relative to all my other friends. I have never seen any of my other friends get so drunk they threw up and blacked out.

I think my problem has its roots in anxiety, and how I can be perfectly fine one second and then the moment I have some sort of internal reflection where I realize, "Oh, I'm drunk...I'm talking funny and maybe people are laughing at me because they can tell I'm drunk...", I freak out and can't recover for the rest of the night. It's so embarrassing to wake up and not know what you did or said the night before because you were so fucked up. I'm really gonna have to watch my alcohol intake and make sure I'm not taking in more than my mind can handle.

Some Things Last A Long Time

Since I last wrote, I've spoken to Justin two more times on the phone. The first time it was a few days after I asked him for some more advice, and we ended up talking for an hour and when I had to go he told me to call him again if I didn't get busy. It was like nothing ever happened. We just...get each other, and can talk to each other in a way no one else can.

I try not to get too invested in these feelings because I know we will not make any progress if we get back together. Nothing will change at all, and the things that tore us apart will still be there. It hurts to know that you can't do anything about it, because there are so many factors working against you. And this is if I even choose to forgive and forget the things he said to me.

I wrote this over a year ago and it feels like much longer. I was pessimistic from the beginning because I knew that if this love ended it would do a lot of damage to me and I didn't know what to do with that information. Well, you know what I chose.


How do you know you've met "The One"? I ask myself this often, because the concept has always seemed intangible and elusive to me. I'm hesitant to believe I've found it. It's literally what everyone hopes for in their lives. So I'm skeptical. How could I be that lucky?

But what I do know is, I can go months without speaking to him and the second we get on the phone, we're as connected as ever. He told me I'm the only person he trusts, and the same is true for me. We reminisce about the holidays we chose to spend together, and all the beautiful moments that accompanied them.

A few days after the phone call, we FaceTimed each other because I needed math help. We spoke about everything, told jokes, updated each other on friends we had met, and it only ended when his eyes were literally drooping and he couldn't physically stay awake anymore.

What does that mean?

What does that say about us?

Why did he tell me he knew I wasn't the one for him long before he chose to break it off?

I don't really know how to feel anymore. This sounds like a joke but I was watching The Dark Knight a few days ago and I found myself identifying so much with Rachel's storyline in the movie, her knowing that she and the man she loves will never work out until he resolves his own demons, which seems unlikely at the time. It may sound like I'm making myself seem like the better person in this situation, but it's only because my feelings are all I know, and my feelings are that I will always come back to him. I've never felt such a love for someone, such a need to make them happy, and such a connection that I believe would be impossible to recreate. It's like a very, very diluted version of what a mother must feel for her child. Just, "I don't care what happens to me, I just want you to have everything you've ever hoped for". It's hard to explain what I feel when I think about him or talk to him. It's a feeling of knowing with absolute certainty that you will do anything for this person, that you love them so much that you don't even wish the bad parts of them were gone, because then it wouldn't be them. I'm happy when he's happy, and especially when I can make him happy. The only difference between these feelings now as opposed to back then is that I've learned I have to make myself happy too, and that comes first. We may fit like puzzle pieces, but that doesn't mean he makes me whole.

It just means life would be a lot more fun and full of love if he was in it.
It means that I will never want to hurt him, and that I will always try my best to do anything I can for him.

Another thing I know is that these feelings are dangerous. I can't have these feelings and be with someone who doesn't feel the same way. When someone becomes this vulnerable due to feelings of love it's not fair for the other side not to reciprocate. It begs for an uneven power dynamic, and a feeling of fear of losing this person. I don't want to love someone but be afraid that they might wake up one day and not feel the same way. Or even worse, tell me that they never felt that way to begin with.

I'd rather suffer through losing the person I think is The One than be with them knowing they're using my love to make their lives a little easier.

Justin told me I was "emotionally fragile". I've never thought of myself that way, and none of my ex-boyfriends would agree. I've always been the heartbreaker, and have always looked straight through an ex-boyfriend like I never knew his name in the first place. Justin is the same way. So who succumbs to who? I made the decision to let myself become this vulnerable when Justin first told me he loved me and when I didn't respond, asked if he had "ruined it". In truth, I didn't know what to say back to him because I was in shock that someone like him would fall in love with someone like me. Not because I'm lesser than him, but because I thought so highly of him that the entire time we dated I was worried about falling head over heels and him saying, "haha sorry...you're just a girl I'm dating." For him to tell me he loved me first was a complete surprise to me and it's a moment I remember vividly to this day. At that moment I made the decision to completely let my guard down and be the emotional version of me that no one except my cat has seen before.

He, however, chose to be vulnerable at that moment and got no response from me. He thought he had ruined something, and that I would run far away from him. I understand if at this moment something branched off on a different path. I wonder if this initial brief feeling of "shit, I said I love you to her and she didn't say it back" set the course for our doom. People always say the person who says it first is always going to be the more vulnerable one, and maybe he wanted to fight his vulnerability because he thought he had made a mistake. Maybe for the rest of our relationship he made sure to let me tread this new path first, him following closely behind me, but never beside me.

As for me, at that moment, I was so overcome with joy and gratitude for the universe that I was speechless. I was thinking, "this man is an amazing man, and I want to love him as much as he loves me." I didn't know that at that exact moment, maybe he was saying the opposite to himself, reminding himself to make sure my feelings were transparent before his were, and not knowing the effect this would have.

Maybe we were doomed from the start. Maybe my own speechlessness was a pebble in the water, spreading out to everything about us, and turning the tides in quite literally opposite directions.

I believe him when he says I'm the only person he trusts. I know he means it because I know that he knows I would never do any harm towards him. I know that he knows I will always love him. And I'm not sure I like that.

I don't know how to feel about this because it also means that this power dynamic will stay the same unless he fully lets his love bloom freely, the way I let mine grow. I can't put myself in a position where I can be crushed once more, by the same person, because I wanted to give him another chance.

I can't be with someone who's foot is always on the brake, having the ability to put a stop to everything any time he wants to. That's not what love is about. When you love someone you're not in a permanent skeptic mode, examining everything, hoping to see a crack so you can say, "see? told ya". You don't self-sabotage for the chance to feel like you know more about life than others, and that love is just a mirage.

I know, because this is how I used to be. When I tell Justin how all my exes would describe me as a cold-hearted bitch, there's no way he'd believe me. That's just not who I am with him. That's not who he met. And when I tell everyone else about how I am with Justin, how mushy and affectionate I am, they don't believe me either. So the question becomes, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Is me being completely different with one person a true representation of who I am? Is that what True Love is? Finding someone to unlock a part of you that you were sure didn't exist? Or is it a more ominous symptom? Is that normal? Is there something wrong?

For now, all of this is solely hypothetical, as there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix the problems our relationship had, which was distance and an unclear future. Us being together or not will yield the exact same result at this point in time.

My dilemma becomes:
"by believing that I've met the one for me, am I preventing meeting the one for me?"

Of course, this question implies that there is only "one" of those people, but there could very well be both, and then I simply have to choose between them. It's just extremely hard to make a choice when there is no clear outcome. If I choose to cut him off from my life and forget about him, I'm cutting off the most important person in my life, and maybe "giving up" on something too easily that might be the greatest thing to happen to me. If I don't...things will stay as they are and I will have to make the decision to put everyone else on the backburner, as the "other" choice if things don't work out the way I want. The Pepsi in the Coke vs. Pepsi situation, if you will. I could very well be passing up on amazing people just because I'm holding on to a dream.

I wish I could talk to him this way, but I've just seen him turn off his emotions too often during conversations like these for me to really believe I'll gain anything from it. All I can do right now is let life play out the way life does, and if nothing short of a miracle happens, that would fix our problems, and let him put his guard completely down, I would be absolutely willing to do what I can to make it work.

~

You have hardened completely
By the end of this story,
You have learned to look clear
Through the flash of a bulb,
When you hear your own name
From the back of a crowd,
You just straighten your gaze,
No, you don't turn around.
Oh, but there was a time,
At the end of the day,
We were both stood in line
At the museum display,
And you outshone the light
Under which you were bathed,
You could outshine the sky
With the look that you gave,
So don't be afraid
To look back and wave,
Now that waving is all that you do.
At the end of the day,
By the Potsdamer Place,
I am waving back at you.

-"On The Museum Island", Emmy The Great

And Yet Another Year Goes By

Whoops, again. I don't know how it is that I enjoy writing about myself so much yet always forget this blog exists.

My life has been pretty crazy this past year. A lot of unexpected things have happened.

I did end up going to beauty school. It was an impulse decision, and it was fun at first, and halfway through I would wake up some mornings and legitimately feel like I was physically incapable of getting out of bed. By the end of it I felt like I was crawling to the finish line any second from passing out. It was horrible. The day after I was done I slept the entire day and the day after that.
I decided not to get my license, because I had become so disillusioned with the profession that I didn't even want to think about blow drying hair and forcing conversation with strangers for several hours at a time. I know myself, and I know that I will never be happy doing this for the rest of my life. But, I have a shit ton of loans I have to pay now so I'm working at a crafts store full-time until I feel stable enough to go back to school.

In terms of my love life, me and Justin did make it pretty far. We were actually very very serious about each other (I mean, who really knows I guess) and we discussed our future often. However, HIS life got turned topsy-turvy and I think he took it out on me. He was pretty much rejected by over a hundred job applications (to simplify med school a bit) and basically has to wait another year before he can apply again. While this was happening we were both stressed out because it was going to change a lot of things about our relationship, not just location. We talked about me relocating and all that, which now seems like it would've been a horrible impulse decision.

A few weeks after it was made clear he didn't have a job, he broke up with me via text and included a myriad of reasons including Ohio, Judge Judy, and what I suspect was some extremely internalized classism. You know me, I'm just a poor girl from the Bronx, who did I think I was, dating a doctor???

Anyways, it hurt a lot and he eventually apologized kinda. Then we started talking again because I was just getting started on my summer glo' up and he was like, "damn...she's fine as hell" or whatever. Then it fell apart again and he basically repeated the same thing he told me the first time, just in a slightly nicer way. We decided to go no-contact forever, which was and still is difficult.

I slipped on the no-contact rule a few times. The first time I just wanted to hear his voice, honestly. I texted him and asked him for some career/school advice, and we spoke for about an hour. He seemed to really be opening up to me, and even confided in me about some family problems he was having, and I was glad that he was still as comfortable talking to me as ever. After that he told me he'd call me back but he never did. I tried to rekindle our conversation by sending him interesting or funny links on facebook/through text but he pretty much ignored them all. I finally learned my lesson and stopped embarrassing myself, although I'm secretly hoping that he stopped talking to me because he knows he'd want to get back together if we kept it up, and having any attachments is extremely impractical for him, considering he doesn't even know where he's going to be living a year from now.

Then, another impulse decision (I obviously love impulse decisions): I applied for an MTV room makeover show, and they actually really liked me and contacted me the next day, and started filming 3 weeks after that. Honestly the show will be a bit embarrassing for me so I'm not sure if I'm really going to advertise it anywhere, but it was an amazing experience. I got really close with the producers and I actually really miss them.

I had to email Justin about it because they were going to use a picture of us for my "backstory" and I let him know he was going to receive an email asking if they could show his face. The only thing he said when he responded was if he was going to get reimbursed for it. Sigh.

It's so difficult trying to move on from a relationship that not only lasted over a year, but also brought out a side of you you never knew existed. I'm a cold bitch and with him I was the biggest pile of mush in the world. It was great while it lasted, I just wish the ending hadn't come with a genuine and profound show of spitefulness. It was a piercing venom I'll always remember.

Whoops

I just remembered this blog existed an hour ago and have spent that time reading through every single post on here. The oldest ones made me cringe but the newer ones brought back memories and were fun to read.

I can't believe I started this blog in 2009, when I was fifteen years old and knew nothing at all about the world. I still don't know much about the world but at least I won't pretend to.

I'm twenty years old now and am still obsessed with writing and documenting my life. I've got more outlets than necessary; I've got my main diary which I keep forgetting to write in or lose every once in a while, I've got my "question a day" journal, and I've got a temporary blog on Tumblr that I made when I forgot to bring my diary with me to Long Island, where I'd be staying for three weeks.

This kind of doubles as a diary, but the content, because of the feeling of typing on a public website, is different so it's not redundant.

I'm still living in The Bronx, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I've got a Canadian boyfriend, Justin, who I don't always get to see when I want, but he's wonderful and so much more than I could ever ask for.

I'm thinking of going to cosmetology school in the fall. Although I enjoy academics and am intelligent enough to pass classes without much effort, the school I currently go to is two hours away and I stop showing up to classes about halfway through every semester. It's kind of embarrassing; I feel like I'm wasting potential and opportunities. I need to make a change so I'm not wasting my young years (London Grammar reference). Justin is finishing medical school so he's going to do some pretty amazing things. He kind of motivates me to get my shit together because it hasn't been easy for him but he's pushed through it. Meanwhile, I keep giving up at the drop of a hat. He's going to be staying with me in August and if I haven't done what needs to be done before he gets here I'll be so embarrassed because there's no reason for me to not have my life together at this point.

Finally, there is clarity.

Sometimes we think that if we meet someone who is amazing that the only way you'll stop talking to each other is if something happens. Sometimes Nothing happens, and that's worse. But I've accepted that it's just something that happens and I am not upset about it at all.

One moment you're talking all the time, every opportunity you get, because you just get each other. The next moment you haven't bothered to say hi in two weeks. And the worst part is you don't mind.

People are always coming and going, and when someone new comes into your life you have to give someone else up. I don't believe this, or maybe I do, but that's just the way it happens. You spend your efforts on one person but when someone new comes along you spend less time thinking about that person.

That's kind of what has happened with Guy #1. If you can remember, I loved this guy. We had tons in common and had fun together whenever we hung out. I was even extremely upset when he told me he couldn't be more than friends. I was heartbroken. But I had a feeling it was for the best, and I was right. It's funny the way things work out.

I feel like I'm being kind of erratic because there are so many thoughts running through my mind.

Whenever I meet someone new that I really like, someone else becomes obsolete. But by accident.

Like I said, Nothing happens.

After a while, when you speak again, you realize you have nothing to say, really. You just talk about what you've been doing since you last spoke, which has no bearing on anything else. I fill you in on what's been happening with me, you do the same, and then what?

I don't want to make plans because it doesn't seem necessary anymore. We don't need to see each other regularly to maintain our relationship because it's transformed to something that used to be. Something full of good memories and fun times and I don't see the point in trying to recreate those moments anymore.

That's all everything is, isn't it? Trying to recreate good memories?

So while we say to each other, "Maybe we can watch more of this, we did that before and it was fun."

"Maybe we can go to that place you liked to eat at."

"Maybe we can go to a show, I said I'd take you to one."

We try to make it feel like old times, to start again where we left off, but it doesn't work that way.

Once Nothing happens, you realize how irrelevant we are, as two people talking to each other. There is no need.


Guy #4 is really growing on me. He is the reason for my indifference towards Guy #1. And Guy #3. Me and Guy #2 still talk to each other.

Guy #2 was someone that I wanted to constantly impress. I wanted him to be proud of me and think, "this girl is worth something." I got jealous when he spoke about his main interest because that's who I wanted to be. I didn't understand why she was better than me.

I still don't understand why, but it doesn't matter anymore. Because now, he told me he wants to get a bit more serious with me.
This is what I wanted all along. Or what I thought I wanted.

I'm his alternative. Girl #1 is not responding to his advances, so he goes to the next best thing.

The problem is that while he was trying to impress her and get her attention, I didn't sit and wait. I went and searched for someone who would make me their #1. Their first choice. I wanted to win the gold medal, for once.

And I found that.

I also found someone who I've connected more on an emotional level than a physical level. Someone who gets me even more than Guy #1.

Don't get me wrong, I still like Guy #2, but he doesn't understand me. We don't talk. He doesn't understand my humor. He likes me primarily for my looks. I tried really hard to get into his mind and figure him out, but he doesn't care about making deep connections with people.


Guy #4 is as close to perfect as I've ever gotten, thus far. There is nothing personality-wise that I don't like about him.

I just want to talk to him all the time. There's so much to say. I've got this extreme appetite for conversation with him. We say things. We speak. It's amazing. There isn't any rush to do anything further, like sex, which would be very odd for me if it were anyone else. But I feel like it isn't necessary, not at all. It doesn't even cross my mind when we're speaking. It would seem like a waste of time, because we could be talking instead. I want to know everything. I want to devour everything he says , every single word, and have it inside of me and have it stay there forever.

And now whenever I talk to anyone else, it feels stupid and meaningless and empty. What's the point? We aren't saying anything.

One of the sweetest guys I've ever met!

Okay so I met someone who's really awesome. Let's call him Guy #4. If I had a "type", this guy would be 100% it. He's tall, good looking, loves music, likes ALL the same shows I do, and finds my sense of humor hilarious, which is new. Usually people don't get my jokes -__-

Anyway, we met up recently and it was a lot of fun. We got some frozen yogurt and a giant cookie, and came back to my house to watch Doctor Who.

What I loved most about our "date" was that there was absolutely no mention of sex/anything sexual. Usually this is all guys want to talk about, and ask me personal questions. He didn't, which I found awesome. We got along SO well that we didn't need to go there. To be honest I felt completely comfortable with him and wouldn't have been angry with him if he did ask me anything, but I love the fact that he didn't. The only time we were really touching sort of intimately was when he put his arm over me while watching Doctor Who. We had a couple of innocent kisses when he was leaving, but other than that, we just talked and enjoyed each other's company.

He played guitar for me and I have to say, I am extremely impressed. He's better than anyone I know. He sang me "Kathy's Song" which is such a beautiful song and I didn't even have any words to express how awesome it was. In return I played him some of my favorite songs and he made me feel really talented about my voice, which I always thought was mediocre at best.

He left around 11 and we had to wait a really long time for the train. But it was a great day.

Earlier today he sent me some videos of himself playing "Kathy's Song" and I can't wait to show my friends at school. He's got such amazing eyes and he really knows how to work the camera with them hahaha.

But yeah, it's been such a good week.

What I Know For Sure (because everything else is confusing as fuck):

-I don't like being taken advantage of
-I don't like someone using my emotions to control me
-I don't like feeling not good enough
-I don't like trying to constantly impress someone because I don't feel good enough
-I don't like feeling like at any given moment, I will become meaningless
-I don't like to know that there's someone out there who's better than me and who you're just waiting for, and in the meantime killing time with me
-I don't like giving you the satisfaction of knowing you affect my emotions in ways I cannot control

-I like feeling trustworthy enough to share your feelings with
-I like being listened to when something is bothering me
-I like knowing I have an advantage over someone else

-I hate fighting for your attention
-I hate feeling like I'm in a race with other people and whoever gets to you first wins
-I hate feeling like an object used to keep you entertained when your main interest is ignoring you
-I hate the fact that I'm not doing what I promised myself I would
-I hate becoming attached to someone, especially when that person so carefully guarded and they know way too much about you

-I hate not knowing what you're thinking
-I hate feeling like I've fallen into your customary trap
-I hate feeling like you enjoy my distress
-I hate being able to tell you how I feel and you not telling me how you feel in return
-I hate feeling like you have ulterior motives

-I like being able to recognize when I'm getting too far deep into something and knowing to back up

-I hate feeling I'm in stuck in quicksand and even if I try to back up I might not be able to get out.

Update on Guy #2

Okay so this is in reference to my post recently about my personality being full of contradictions. Guy #2 was (and still is) a very confusing and complex person.

What I said before is still true, that sometimes I want to be a huge bitch but I also want to be sweet. I think I feel the need to impress him. He's said before he has low self esteem but I think very highly of him. He's smart, funny, and attractive.

I think he thinks all he's got going for him are his looks but that's definitely not true. Maybe he's just been looking in the wrong places.

Anyway, I admitted to him that I like him more than I let on, and he says, "you're so cute" a lot more frequently since then, which I find funny.

I'm not sure if he likes me too because he's pretty hard to read, but I'm kind of worried he might be enjoying this because he wants to have power over me. I think I'd like him more if it weren't for that.

I've started speaking to someone new and he doesn't seem to like it. This guy (let's call him guy #3) is extremely sweet and he promised to introduce me to SEAN LENNON.
I cannot deal.
Also, he really likes me and told me I'm his "dream girl". He seems like the kind of guy who would go to great lengths to keep a girl happy, which is so cute. He told me he wants to impress me which I thought was really sweet.
But yeah, Guy #2 called him lame haha and he calls him "the nice guy".

Earlier on he also said to me, "We don't have anything official but you're mine." He also said he's territorial, which explains his disdain for Guy #3.

Anyway, I just wish he was easier to read. I've started being more honest about my feelings towards him in hopes that he will do the same with me.


(Since when did this become a blog about my love life??? Whatever, it's the only interesting thing that's been happening to me so, sorry!)

I redyed my hair.

So I finally decided that having faded green hair and 3 inches of roots showing was not cute and that I should take advantage of spring break and redye it. The first time I dyed it it was supposed to be "aquamarine" but because my hair has red tones it came out green. I didn't mind because I got complimented on it but still. This time, my reasoning told me that if aquamarine makes my hair green, then blue must make it aquamarine, or at least close.

In pictures:

I kinda rushed through it because I was excited so the bleach basically got everywhere.

I didn't want to leave the bleach in too long and I couldn't find toner so my hair was an incredibly bright orange when I washed the bleach out.

This is after I dyed it and washed it out:

It's a bit uneven because I think I shampooed too vigorously but that can always be fixed later on.

So anyway, I blow-dried it and flat ironed and and this is the end result:

I don't know if you can tell, but it's a darker blue in the front and more greenish in the back. I don't really mind it, I think it looks cool having different shades of blue, but I think I'll have to redye it before school just so that it looks more even.

I'm just glad it wasn't disastrous like it was the first time I tried to bleach my hair.

My whole persona is just one big contradiction. (This is going to be a really personal, long, and annoying post)

Okay so I broke up with Jeff a while ago because I'm going through a period in my life where I really don't want to be tied down or attached . It was really tough for me to do because we've been together on and off for three years, but I came to realize it was more of a comfort thing than anything. He lives across the street, come on. Also, over the years we've branched off into different areas of interests, which becomes really evident when we compare what our favorite bands are today to the ones three years ago. But anyway, this isn't about him.

I like being able to have a relationship with someone where we act like a couple when we're together but at the end of the day we go our separate ways. I've met a couple of people who I can do that with. It's great until I get slapped in the face with reality.

For example, this one guy I met and I have SO much in common and we always have so much fun when we get together. I've stayed over at his place a few times and we never run out of things to talk about. He's introduced me to so many new TV shows, music, and food, which are my three basic obsessions. We first met under the pretense that we both wanted to have fun and just relax, nothing serious. I knew that, and I was okay with that. I mean, I still am. But I guess I never actively thought, "Okay nothing is going to happen between us, we're just two good friends who enjoy each other's company." Then one day we were delving a bit deep into how fond we are of each other and how much fun we have together and I guess he knew he should restate conditions from earlier in our friendship/relationship(?) and he said:

"I know we've spoken about this before, but I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I can't be more than a friend to you. I like you a lot and I feel like if I were younger or you were older that I'd be trying to put a ring on your finger and I appreciate that you've been understanding about that. I hope you aren't upset that I said that."

I even remember the exact moment I read that, I felt so crushed and shortly after confused about why I felt so crushed. I still don't fully understand why I was upset, but maybe it's just the fact that it was a giant slap in the face. It was said with so much certainty, so much conviction. I remember even calling my friends on the phone and asking them if they could explain it to me better, because I honestly had no idea what was going on with my emotions at the time.

The more I thought about it the more I repeated to myself, "Don't get attached, you're going to college soon. Do not get attached." Sometimes I debated with myself and wondered if it was a good idea to tell him how I felt. The problem with that is that my emotions are extreme, either I'm at 0 or 100. Most of the time when I almost told him, I took a step back and realized I was at 100 and therefore I was acting on my unstable emotions. When I go back to 0 I completely understand that it would be best for me to not say anything at all.

The second example is of a guy who blatantly does not want anything serious out of me, and I had no problems with that. I mean, that was the whole point of me breaking up with Jeff. There's a huge difference between guy #1 and guy #2, which makes me realize that my emotions are not behaving rationally at all. The first guy is understandable, I guess; we have tons in common and we can literally talk about anything. The second is a bit different in that right off the bat, we were flirting and making suggestive jokes and all that fun stuff. So there wasn't much of a friendship to build on to begin with. Most of our time is spent either flirting, making jokes about each other, or making jokes about other things/people. Sometimes he vents to me, which I like, but basically I don't know much about who he is.

Somehow I find it difficult to describe him compared to how easy it was to describe guy #1, so bear with me if I start to ramble.

I have a lot of fun with him, and he's really funny and super intelligent, which is basically all you need for me to be interested in you. Although we never really have deep meaningful conversations, I find myself dreading the end of our dates. He's interesting, but in a different way. I think it's because I never know what to expect from him. This isn't always a good thing, however. He tends to make jokes that really bother me and fortunately I have good self-control and willpower and can usually let things slide. Sometimes I get really mad at him, which always makes me feel discouraged. About what I'm not sure. I've got conflicting emotions and I get really angry at myself when I can't sort them out. Sometimes I feel like being a complete bitch yet I want to be sweet and caring. I don't understand it.

I've been trying to describe my feelings about him further but I literally cannot, so I'll just move on.

Anyway, I don't peg him as a guy who gets emotional about people easily, and I guess I'm right. So when he tells me about a particular girl he's really likes and I see how emotionally invested he is in her, I get another reality check. I don't even know how to feel really, because I'm not even his type, sort of. I usually like to be in control and people in my school even think I'm a lesbian because I'm so aggressive and so out of tune with the archetypal teenage girl within me. But this is where my personality clashes, because somehow I'm also a hopeless romantic. I literally dream about a guy coming in and sweeping me off my feet and making me mixed CD's and surprising me with romanticism randomly. Realistically, I know very few people would behave like the perfect gentleman, so I know better than to expect this from anyone.

I'm not really sure what else to say, I just got really inspired to write this in the midst of another one of my confusing emotional plot-twists. Basically, I'm confusing as hell and I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. I always start out looking for someone to have fun with and not have to deal with any sort of issues that couples encounter, but then I find myself inexplicably disappointed in the end. But I'm also not disappointed, because I never got anything I didn't ask for. I actively searched for these kinds of relationships and I never made any promises I didn't intend to keep or say anything I didn't mean.

I don't know how to end this because I could go on forever talking about myself, but here's an image to show how little sense things make to me:

It's kind of amazing to meet someone you have lots in common with.

I know that probably sounds super weird, because you can have things in common with almost anyone, but growing up in The Bronx and not fitting in with my hoodrat-wannabe-rapper counterparts, it's pretty rare for me.

Let's name a few of my favorite things, shall we? (Enter Julie Andrews here)
-Doctor Who
-Noah And The Whale
-BBC Sherlock
-Green hair dye
-Radiohead
-Reading cheesy chick-lit
-The Hunger Games
-The Smiths
-Crossword puzzles
-Sudoku puzzles
-Benedict Cumberbatch
-Staying home whenever I can and becoming emotionally attached to my laptop

Okay now let's compare my list to the hypothetical list of an average teen living in The Bronx:
-Lil' Wayne
-The Jersey Shore
-$200 sneakers
-Urban novels sold on Fordham Road for $5
-Drake
-Saying "YOLO" and genuinely finding it a deep and meaningful acronym to live by
-Spending a year's worth of allowance on one item from Polo Ralph Lauren
-Seeing authority figures as imminent threats and trying to fight them
-Stealing other people's $200 sneakers and Polo Ralph Lauren clothing
-Purposely misspelling words and using q's in place of g's (ex: ii luv drake ma niqqa)

Okay, I think you get my point. Living with these kinds of people my entire life, it's a pretty big deal to meet someone who likes basically everything I like. That's why I'm so excited to go away for college in the fall, I can't wait to get out of this terrible borough and not worry about getting shot if I'm outside after 6 PM.

Being a hopeless romantic sucks when you're also self-seeking and vain.

I just watched the movie Something Borrowed which is actually a terrible movie. I hate how in most chick flicks the protagonist is always super passive-aggressive and is never upfront about what she wants. The entire movie was based around the idea that TWO passive-aggressive people are being dishonest about their feelings to each other and the entire time I'm thinking, "Stop with the bullshit and DO SOMETHING."

But anyway, that isn't what this post is about.

Every time I see John Krasinski in a movie or on tv he always plays the romantic, humble, caring, level-headed and rational guy. And he's super good looking, which doesn't help.

So when I see these characters I get so infatuated with the idea of someone treating me the way he treats the girl he loves. I'm like, "I wish I could find someone who will make me the center of their world and do anything to make me happy." All girls say this. They love the idea of love and the idea of the archetypal Prince Charming coming to treat them like princesses and devote himself to her.

Here's the problem, or my problem: I'm also really selfish and vain.

Every time I meet someone I'm super picky and even one little detail about them can turn me off completely. If there's something about their appearance I don't like, I can't unsee it and it's all I think about. If they don't even type as well as I'd like them to, I stop talking to them. And as terrible as it sounds, if I don't think we look aesthetically pleasing together I lose my interest quickly. Hell, I've stopped talking to a guy because he tried to make a joke that fell flat.

Essentially, one wrong move and I'm over it.

I've got these incredibly high standards because when I think of the perfect guy, he has to be perfect in every single way. It's not even because I'm stuck-up or I think I'm better than everyone else, it's just that I've come to expect these declarations of love and bouquets of roses and someone standing with a boombox outside my window. And those things just don't happen as often as we'd like.

(Pssst, to any guys reading this: I really wouldn't mind these things, don't hesitate!!)

I've met plenty of guys who have been romantic and sweet and nice and caring, but I let superficial things get in the way. It's like I'm convinced someday I will find my Jim Halpert or my Noah Calhoun or my Henry DeTamble or most of all, because I'm a huge Doctor Who nerd, my Rory Williams. They're all I want in a guy and they're also attractive.

So basically what I'm saying is that sometimes we complain about how there's no one out there for us and that great people don't exist when they actually do, it's just that we expect them to be perfect. Perfect looks, perfect body, perfect manners, perfect personality, I mean, I could go on forever.

Fortunately I'm one of the rare few who is aware of this and I can teach myself to look past it. Instead of expecting a fairy-tale character I'm learning to be a realist. You won't be happy with someone because they're perfect, you'll be happy with them because the good outweighs the bad and you accept them for who they are, flaws and all.

Wow, this post just turned into a cliche-fest.

I'll quit while I'm ahead.

So many dumb people.

A few days ago my AP English teacher was telling us that being ignorant is better than ignoring something, because ignorance is something you can't help, because you don't know; actively ignoring something means you do know it's there, but you choose to ignore it.
I kept thinking about this because I was wondering whether my peers were ignorant or just ignoring things purposely. I've decided on the latter.

In The Handmaid's Tale, the main character alludes to the fact that we are all slowly boiling, and by the time we notice it'll be too late and we'll be boiled to death.

The people in my school (hell, even some adults) don't care about anything that directly affects their little circle of comfort.

This wouldn't bother me more than usual if it weren't for the fact that my classmates turn 18 this year, and thus will be able to vote.

It seems as though every time me and my friend mention any of the Republicans, someone says, "Who is that?" Just typing that makes me angry. DO YOU WATCH THE NEWS??? THESE CRAZY REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES HAVE BEEN TOP STORIES SO MANY TIMES BECAUSE OF THE RIDICULOUS THINGS THEY SAY.

I've heard so many of my classmates say, "I don't care about them."


DO YOU IDIOTS NOT REALIZE THAT ONE OF THESE NUTJOBS COULD BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES??

And maybe you're thinking, "Well at least you'll vote and you aren't dumb."

Well unfortunately I CANNOT vote because I am not a citizen. The irony here is that I know more about how the United States works than most of my peers. I'd even go as far as to say most of my entire 6-12 grade school. I could probably pass a citizenship test easier than they could, and they were born here.

So now maybe you're thinking, "Well, why don't you just take the citizenship test?"

Unfortunately, even though I was born in April, I don't legally turn 18 until August. It takes a few months to become a citizen, so I might not make it in time. Of course I'm going to do it anyway and hope for the best, though.

*This has been a rushed and unorganized blog post*

Doubts

So earlier today, my friend Gil and I, who are both atheists, were discussing religion and what makes some religious people break out of their religion and go wild and not others. We were using some of our close Christian friends as examples, especially my best friend Desteny, and trying to distinguish between the different kinds of Christians. Desteny is a "doubter".

These kinds of Christians usually grow up with religion all around them, whether it may be their family, school, or community. Their religion is all they know. Once they're removed from a religious environment, they're curious as to what else is there, which is understandable.
Desteny has always been religious ever since I met her in the sixth grade. She was very open about her religion and the fact that she was dating her pastor's son. In the sixth grade I knew I didn't believe in god, but I thought that along with being gay, it was just one of those things you don't share publicly. When she asked me about my beliefs (or lack thereof) I would stay neutral and not give any opinion. This led to her trying to incorporate me into her church and telling me all the great things she did with her fellow Christian youth.
Over the years, as I've embraced my atheism more and more, I've started to become a huge defender of science, women's rights, gay rights, and modern technology, which are usually being challenged by religious groups. (What a suprise!) I am now a senior in high school and I also have become best friends with another atheist, Gil. By pure coincidence (or maybe not), we are also regarded as being two of the smartest students at school. We seem to know much more about politics and world news than most of our peers do, due to the fact that we have to work twice as hard as religious students do to back up our beliefs. We can't simply quote from a thick, antiquated book to debate with other people; we have to go out there and research everything. I guess it makes sense that we are regarded as intelligent within our school, considering all the reading we do.
Anyway, my Christian friend, who is also my best friend along with Gil, seems to have started questioning the teachings of her church and organized religion in general. I'm sure she still believes in god, but she has started to understand why non-religious people fight against some of the things that are interpreted from the Bible. She has brought up some of her doubts to me many times, and I try my hardest not to say anything that is too anti-religion, for her sake. Along with the current Republican presidential candidates, many well-known religious public figures have been subject to criticism over their super-conservative, bordering-on-insane beliefs. All of the Republican nominees just so happen to be die-hard religious fanatics who want to turn America into more of a religiously-inclined country than it already is, making it unfair for anyone in America who isn't a Christian. These people are giving religion a bad name, and along with being close friends with two very opinionated atheists, my best friend is slowly starting to resent religion. Very recently she has started to have disagreements with her mother over going away for college because her mother thinks that if she goes too far, she'll lose her religion (Which is true...sorry). Now imagine what she must be thinking: "Has my mother been sheltering me from the real world because she knows that the Bible isn't strong enough to outsmart modern science/technology?" It's kind of hard for me to put it into words, but acknowledging the fact that she is the only reason her daughter is religious makes a bad defense as to why her daughter should stay at home. What happens when she gets her own apartment, or gets married, or has children?
All in all, the reason why my friend was so open about her religion and would preach to anyone who would listen in the sixth grade is because she had absolutely no doubt about anything that was being taught to her.