I'm not depressed because I want to be with him. I'm depressed because of the awareness that even if we were together or even friends, it wouldn't work out anyway.
He's changed so much and so have I. He's picked up some bad habits and some bad friends and there's nothing I can do about that.
The reason why I say we can't be friends is because me and Jeff can't keep the border between "friends" and "a couple" separate. There have been several times where we've stopped being friends and as soon as we give each other an inch of kindness and friendship, we take a mile. This is the cycle:
This has happened a good three times before. I'm even paranoid to add him on Facebook again in fear that this cycle will start again. He's already started it by unblocking me from every social networking site ever and by insisting that his little sister lets me know that he doesn't "have a problem" with me and that "it's okay" if I want to come by.
THERE'S A REASON I STOPPED GOING OVER TO HIS HOUSE!
First of all, who does he think I'm going to hang out with at his house?
a) His mom (who I love, but she's still his mom)
b) His 19-year-old pregnant, settled down sister who has her own life to deal with
c) His 13-year-old sister who I have nothing in common with even though I do love her
d) His 11-year-old annoying brother who I obviously have nothing in common with
e) OR JEFFREY, WHO KNOWS ME BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, WHO IS LIKE MY TWIN IN TERMS OF INTERESTS AND HOBBIES, WHO SHARES MY SENSE OF HUMOR.
Really, Jeff? He's practically inviting me straight into step #4 in the Cycle Of Pain.
What's worse is that me and Jeff are platonic soulmates. Literally a match made in heaven, and this is not even talking relationship-wise. Even as friends. But we can never be just friends. I loved him for who he was even when nobody understood why. He rarely showered or brushed his long-ass hair but BECAUSE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH, it didn't bother me. Sure, we argued, but when he mentioned that as a reason for us breaking up, I literally could not remember a single argument we have ever had. Yeah, I know we argued, I just don't remember what they were about. OBVIOUSLY, I knew that the person I was mad at was more important than the reason I was mad, so I always let it go. I never thought our petty arguments would affect our relationship long-term.
The last time we had a conversation, I spoke to him about how I was able to separate him as a friend and him as an ex-boyfriend and he told me he didn't know how. He also said to me that he knew he would never find another girlfriend with the connection I had with him. I told him he would, but he was convinced he wouldn't. He also said that his love of music will always be related to me and that half the music he loves now somehow involved me. That meant a lot, coming from a guy who rarely showed his true feelings. When he told me all of this he was depressed and it was because of something I did and now I regret that.
Basically, I'm confused, depressed, torn, and this never leaves my mind. I honestly don't know what to do. I hope I can get over it.
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