My First Tattoo

Yesterday after school I met up with Jeff's mom at her house. We sat there for about half an hour before we went to the tattoo parlor. When we got there, she told me to go first because hers would take longer. It didn't hit me until then that I was about to get a tattoo.

It felt like two things:

1. Like someone was pinching me in the same place over and over again
2. Like someone was rubbing a Brillo pad against my skin over and over again

Although it hurt, it didn't hurt enough for me to cry. It was a little past the "irritating" stage. At one point I somehow forced my body to numb itself. Also, it happened really quickly, or so it felt.  He only charged me $35 and he did the color for free. This is what it looks like:

I love it and I think it's so cute.

Afterwards I went back to Jeff's house with his mom and bought some food. Jeff was with me and his mom in her room hanging out but then his friend Jayson came and they went to his room. I left around 8 cause I was bored.

Today, school was really fun except for chorus class, because Damian used to be in our class. Everyone sang sad songs, like "Because You Loved Me" and "Lift Me Up" and even our chorus teacher sang. It was really depressing and almost everyone cried. Later on I saw my chorus teacher in the cafeteria sitting by himself crying and I felt really bad. Just thinking about it makes me sad.

Tomorrow there's going to be a memorial for him in the auditorium and some kids are gonna sing. I know everyone's gonna end up crying again.

Mission "Talk To Jeff" Day 2 success

So today was an extremely interesting day.

I got up this morning and found out my friend Melina couldn't come with me to 72nd street, so I went to Jeff's house pretty early, around 1. The weather today was 80 degrees and I was wearing really short shorts and a t-shirt. I did my makeup really nice and shaved my legs.

When I first got there, Jeff and his mom were about to head out to the supermarket and she asked me to come along. Me and Jeff spoke a bit but we didn't really know what to say to each other. Then we went back upstairs. Jeff's mom stayed downstairs talking to her neighbors and me and Jeff were in his room. He was talking a lot and he seemed like he was trying to fill me in on what's been going on in his life, which I appreciated. He told me that there's a lot of drama going on with his friends and I didn't know what to say to that, because in all honesty, he takes some blame for that. It got silent a few times when we didn't know what to say to each other but overall I could tell he didn't resent me being there. Then he told me about something that's going on in his love life (I can't specify because I'm sworn to secrecy) that disappointed me. I didn't know why I was so upset but then I realized that maybe a part of me does want to be with him again. But yeah, it wasn't a very pleasant feeling. It felt like my stomach dropped down to my knees and I was trying hard to not let it show on my face.

 Then we had to go down again cause I asked Jeff to come to the bakery with me but Jeff's mom received a check from the tax people and she came along. We ended up not going to the bakery because she wanted to put minutes on Jeff's new phone and to check out a tattoo parlor. At some point a long the way I told her I've always wanted an owl tattoo and she said we'd ask the tattoo guy how much it would be.

So we went to the tattoo parlor and Jeff went home because he wanted to charge his phone. The tattoo guy said my tattoo would cost $35 and Jeff's mom said she would pay for it. (Woohoo!)
Then I texted my mom and after begging for 20 minutes she said yes, but only if I agreed to get a job this summer. (I know I'm going to regret this later on in life)

So I was really excited and I went into Jeff's room and told him. His friends Jayson and Caesar were there (Jayson is the one I think hates me who I used to hate) and I stayed in there hanging out with them. After a while we decided to go on a walk and we walked about 10 long blocks, bought food, and came back. I asked Jeff's mom when we were going to the tattoo parlor and she said she was waiting for the guy to call her.

Jeff went to the bathroom at some point and I took advantage and looked at Jeff's poetry book, which was very rude of me. His poetry was kind of depressing and made him sound suicidal but at the end of the book he made a list of 2 girls he was interested in and listed their good attributes. He didn't write any names, just the initials "P" and "C". I assumed that the P stood for "Patricia", some girl I think he was interested in but if it did, the list wouldn't be relevant anymore because he likes someone else. I have no idea who the "C" could be.

I played some video games and talked with the guys and John showed up. I was happy to see him cause I haven't seen him in a while. It was around 7:30 by then and I was getting impatient about the tattoo so I asked his mom if the guy called and she said she made an appointment for tomorrow at 1:00. I told her I have school and she said she might still be there by then so to stop by anyway. I was kinda tight. Especially because I had written on Facebook that I was getting a tattoo today and at school tomorrow everyone's gonna wanna see the nonexistent owl.

So I left shortly after that because I didn't want to be at Jeff's house all night and I was wearing shorts and it was getting cold outside.

I was pretty pleased at how the day went, because Jeff apparently doesn't mind talking to me, and because I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow. The only thing that bothers me is what Jeff told me about the girl he likes. I wasn't expecting to be bothered so much by it but I guess I'm not completely over him. Fml. I wish I was.

I'm gonna have to see him again tomorrow, but after that I don't think I should show up for a few days. I don't want to make him feel like I'm gonna start coming over and wanting to hang out with him everyday like I used to.

To be honest, for a second I hoped that me being there would make him less interested in the girl he likes, or at least make him think about me. I don't think he could've lost 100% of the feelings he had for me. I'm not getting my hopes up, though. I never get what I expect.

My depression has subsided.

Yesterday night I spoke to one of Jeff's best friends, John, who is going through the same thing I am in two different ways.

1. He misses his ex
2. He misses Jeff and thinks everything's changed for the worst

So I guess it helped me out a lot because it made me feel better that I'm not going crazy and there was some basis for my feelings.
I think it's worse for John though, because apparently Jeff has chosen weed over his best friends. Jeff has been getting high regularly and whenever he hangs out with his friends, that's all he wants to do.

"just burning away days and friendship...and when i told him that hes gonna end up just like his mom, fucking seeing frank every two seconds things just went downhill from there"      -John

It's so sad. I miss the old days when it would just be me, Jeff, John, and Lazaro. But I'm glad me and John got the chance to talk like we used to yesterday, it was really nice and it meant a lot.


John also told me that Jeff hasn't taken the SATs and that it's too late for him to take them. He hasn't heard from any colleges yet. I'm kind of disappointed in him. He's one of the smartest people I know, but sometimes his laziness takes over the better part of him.

I couldn't fight the urge to talk to Jeff over AIM today, so I wrote to him:

Me: "I have a bunch of your clothes at my house, do you want them back?"

Jeff: "Really? LOL Clothes would be nice. I still have your ripped ass green sweater/cardigan thingy. Bring it whenever you stop by"

Me: "hahahaha to be specific it's a pair of underwear and 3 shirts...but I didn't want to say underwear."

Jeff: "EL OH EL. You can keep the underwear if you want LMFAO"

Me: "I'm so glad you said that cause I've been wearing them everyday"

Jeff: "O_O"

Me: "I love mens underwear."  "And I hope to god you know I'm being sarcastic"

Jeff: "OH" "OH GOD"

After that we were talking about tapers and I asked him if he was gonna be home tomorrow so I could bring him his stuff. Not gonna lie, I'm looking forward to it and I'm hoping we can have a decent conversation like two human beings who acknowledge each other's existence.

In other news: 
I tried to make a dutch braid on myself today and it came out lopsided, so I'm just gonna upload this picture cause I love the way my hair looks, color-wise:

That's what the color looks like after the bleaching fail, but I really like it. I might even go lighter.


Also, my teeth feel really weird today. It feels like they're not in the right place and I have to put in effort to close my mouth completely (when all your teeth touch). When I do, it feels like my lower jaw is being pushed too far back. And chewing food is a whole different set of problems. 


Overall, today was an uneventful day but also relaxing, and I got some well-needed solitude.

Mission "Talk To Jeff" Day 1 Failure

Okay so when I woke up this morning I remembered that I told Jeff's mom I was going over to their house and not gonna lie, I was kind of excited. I haven't been to their house in weeks.

The weather was amazing today (80 degrees) so I wore some capris, my favorite glitter flats, a t-shirt and a pink hoodie. By the time I was finished getting ready it was around 12 and I knew that was too early, so I went to Fordham and walked all the way down and then back up, looked for an icee vendor, and bought some cheap makeup. By the time I was done, it was around 1 so I walked to Jeff's house.

When I got there, Jeff was still asleep and I hung out with Neomi, Julio, and Eric for a bit, and became really bored. Then I decided to go the store to kill some time and so that when I got back I could slam the door and wake Jeff up. I think it worked because 20 minutes later he came into the living room and said hi. Then he knocked over a cup and spilled some mystery liquid on my leg. After that, He got dressed and went for a "walk" and I was kinda disappointed. He said "Goodbye everyone, I'm going out, I don't know where" and this was one of those moments where Jeff gives you unnecessary details to subliminally let you know what he's doing. It's usually directed towards me.

Then decided to go into his mom's room until he came back. Unfortunately, she wanted me to see the Soul Train Awards (I don't know why) and it was really boring and I didn't know who half the people were. I assumed that when Jeff got back he would come into his mom's room and let her know he was back, but he didn't because at some point I went out into the living room and saw him laying down on the couch. I wanted to stay in the living room but his mom wanted me to watch the awards with her so I hoped they would end soon.

I periodically went out into the living room every 10 minutes or so to see what he was doing and at one point I saw he was on the computer by himself in the living room. I took this as an opportunity to say something so I went up to him and told him to let me know when he was done on the computer so I could check something. Then again he gave me unnecessary details to subliminally let me know what he's doing and he said, "Okay...I'm trying to make some plans with my friends." I started laughing on the inside and went back into his mom's room.

While I was in his mom's room I heard one of his friends, Jayson, who I don't like very much, talking in the living room. He didn't even say hi to Jeff's mom, which I thought was rude and I know she doesn't like when people do that. I told her that I don't like Jayson and that apparently he doesn't like me because after Neomi's babyshower he was being really rude to me and it got to the point where even Jeff said he was being mean. I'm assuming Jeffrey told him that I "hate" him, because he was always really nice to me before me and Jeff had our falling-out.

So I decided to stay in Jeff's mom's room because I didn't feel like dealing with Jayson.

Unfortunately, 20 minutes later the house was completely silent and I hoped that Jayson and Jeff had gone into Jeff's room. I "had to use the bathroom" and investigated and I concluded that they had gone somewhere.  I was really angry and told everyone I was leaving before it started to rain. I walked home feeling depressed and ANGRY.

So here I am, sitting on my computer with nothing else to do on this beautiful day. I think I'm going to call Abby later on but I don't know if she's still in trouble.

FML

The failure that was bleaching my hair

Okay so this morning I got the bright idea to put streaks in my hair, because I am so bored with my life. I spent the whole day Youtubing videos on how to bleach and dye hair, respectively. Then for half the day I waited to see if my friend Abby could come over and help, since she's done it before. It turns out she's in trouble with her mom and couldn't make it.

So I went to the beauty supply store on Fordham and took the long, alley-filled, discreet way to avoid seeing anyone who would recognize me and the signs of depression.

The hair aisle was confusing because I hadn't realized how difficult it would be to find the right powder and the right developer. I spent 15 minutes looking stupid with like 5 products in my hand, but after a while I got it right. As I was walking home, I realized I had no dye brush, gloves, and I wasn't sure if I had aluminum foil.

So I got home and I was too nervous to do it alone so I texted and instant messaged anyone I could find who would help me, but apparently the world hates me and everyone was busy. I almost asked Jeff's mom to do it, but thank god I heard that they have no internet or phone, so I didn't. After the 20th person rejected my offer, I got up and angrily decided to do it myself.

I got a plastic bowl and poured the powder and developer into it, then when I realized I had nothing to mix it with, I panicked and grabbed a pen and started mixing. (Yeah, I know.)

Then I realized I had nothing to actually apply the bleach with, so I got a plastic bag and put it over my hand because I somehow thought that it would work as well as a glove. Needless to say, it was a failure. Then I panicked again and grabbed a random makeup brush and started applying the bleach to my hair. (Yeah, I know.)

Then I failed at trying to put aluminum foil on the hair so I gave up, but then 2 minutes later there was bleach dripping all over me and I was freaking out. I grabbed someone's towel and put it around my shoulders and absorbed some of the bleach from the hair so that it wouldn't drip. (...And again.)

So there were ten minutes left before I was supposed to take the bleach out when I realized I was supposed to add heat for 15 minutes. I ran to my room, plugged in the blow dryer, and half-assedly started blow-drying my hair. When I was done there was bleach all over my hands, mirror, hair-blower, and my face.

I got into the shower and washed my hair as usual and when I got out, I could see no significant lightening.

FAILURE.

So I got hit with a horrible depression yesterday

For some reason, I started to think about Jeff a lot yesterday and he hasn't left my mind ever since. There's not specific reason, it just feels like we're breaking up all over again even though I haven't spoken to him since my birthday. And we haven't hung out since February. And we haven't had a conversation since March.

I'm not depressed because I want to be with him. I'm depressed because of the awareness that even if we were together or even friends, it wouldn't work out anyway.

He's changed so much and so have I. He's picked up some bad habits and some bad friends and there's nothing I can do about that.

The reason why I say we can't be friends is because me and Jeff can't keep the border between "friends" and "a couple" separate. There have been several times where we've stopped being friends and as soon as we give each other an inch of kindness and friendship, we take a mile. This is the cycle:

This has happened a good three times before. I'm even paranoid to add him on Facebook again in fear that this cycle will start again. He's already started it by unblocking me from every social networking site ever and by insisting that his little sister lets me know that he doesn't "have a problem" with me and that "it's okay" if I want to come by.

THERE'S A REASON I STOPPED GOING OVER TO HIS HOUSE!

First of all, who does he think I'm going to hang out with at his house?
a) His mom (who I love, but she's still his mom)
b) His 19-year-old pregnant, settled down sister who has her own life to deal with
c) His 13-year-old sister who I have nothing in common with even though I do love her
d) His 11-year-old annoying brother who I obviously have nothing in common with
e) OR JEFFREY, WHO KNOWS ME BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, WHO IS LIKE MY TWIN IN  TERMS OF INTERESTS AND HOBBIES, WHO SHARES MY SENSE OF HUMOR.

Really, Jeff? He's practically inviting me straight into step #4 in the Cycle Of Pain.

What's worse is that me and Jeff are platonic soulmates. Literally a match made in heaven, and this is not even talking relationship-wise. Even as friends. But we can never be just friends. I loved him for who he was even when nobody understood why. He rarely showered or brushed his long-ass hair but BECAUSE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH, it didn't bother me. Sure, we argued, but when he mentioned that as a reason for us breaking up, I literally could not remember a single argument we have ever had. Yeah, I know we argued, I just don't remember what they were about. OBVIOUSLY, I knew that the person I was mad at was more important than the reason I was mad, so I always let it go. I never thought our petty arguments would affect our relationship long-term.

The last time we had a conversation, I spoke to him about how I was able to separate him as a friend and him as an ex-boyfriend and he told me he didn't know how. He also said to me that he knew he would never find another girlfriend with the connection I had with him. I told him he would, but he was convinced he wouldn't. He also said that his love of music will always be related to me and that half the music he loves now somehow involved me. That meant a lot, coming from a guy who rarely showed his true feelings. When he told me all of this he was depressed and it was because of something I did and now I regret that.

Basically, I'm confused, depressed, torn, and this never leaves my mind. I honestly don't know what to do. I hope I can get over it.

People I Love

Gil:
Gil has been my friend since 9th grade playwriting class. My other friend Crystaliz completed the trio but she transferred out of my school before the 10th grade. There's not much I can say about Gil. We're very similar and our jokes and humor are specific to us and no one else can get as much fun as we do out of them. Gil is fun to be around, but also easy to argue with, maybe because I don't see him as a celebrity like everyone else does, and I'm not afraid to tell him off when I have to. XD But overall he's one of my closest, if not the closest friend I have.

Anabel:
Me and Anabel have been friends since 8th grade, and she's basically the most understanding, nonjudgmental, tell-everything-to friend. Me and her can not see each other for weeks, but when we finally see each other it's like we were never apart. We have never argued and I don't think we ever will. She's like another part of me and there's nothing bad I can say about her. I know that 10 years from now we'll still love each other.

Desteny:
Desteny is my motherly kind of friend. She's very affectionate and out of all my friends at school, the only one who put my shoes back on for me when I asked her to without asking why or hesitating. (I'll remember that forever, lmao) I've known her 6th grade, and we were best friends at some point in middle school, and now again in the 11th grade. She's there for me emotionally, which is why I probably tell her my 100% honest feelings, instead of saying I'm "angry" when I'm actually upset. She's so bubbly and fun to be around, and I'm glad I have her for emotional support. I think I'm more honest with her about my feelings than anyone else.

Aaliyah:
Aaliyah is hilarious and very very wise. She gives great advice and somehow seems to know how the world and everyone in it works. She is a little neurotic, but so am I so it's okay. She baked me a cake for my birthday and I will always remember that. She's a tremendously good friend but she also speaks up for herself and I love that about her.

Abby:
Although I met Abby last summer, she quickly became one of my best friends because she's a great friend and never judges me. She's funny and we have a lot in common, and she also laughs at my jokes that are sometimes hard for other people to understand. She lives the closest to me, so whenever I'm bored or by myself she's only a minute away. My mom loves her because she's Mexican and my mom wants to be Mexican.

Stephanie:
I started hanging out with Stephanie in the middle of the school year. She's in my regular classes and also in my theater arts class, and she's freaking hilarious and we love being mean to people together. We have a whole bunch of insiders and we hate a lot of the same people, so we're kind of the same person in that way. I also love that she feels that I'm a really good friend to her and I feel that she appreciates me bunches, which not everyone has made obvious to me. =]

So today is my birthday. (17)

My mother has finally come to terms with the fact that I have two birthdays. (Born 4/11, birth certificate says 8/11) after her obnoxious friend Kelman said it would make sense to celebrate the actual day I was born.

Since my birthday falls on a Monday this year, I planned a birthday party last Saturday. It was a failure. I had to cancel it because all of my friends couldn't make it except for two. (So I guess I didn't cancel it, they cancelled it for me...) So two of my best friends, Abby and Gil, came over and we watched The Social Network which I bought on DVD. (Amazing movie)

We also ate about $30 worth of food that I bought from the supermarket and overall it was a pretty good time. However, two of my friends hadn't bothered to at least text me to tell me they couldn't make it, so I was kind of bummed out about that.

I bought a cake that I was going to bring in to school on Monday to share with my friends, but because the universe hates me and likes to ruin my plans, my sister and my mom's obnoxious friend Kelman ate my cake. When I confronted them, my sister said "You can buy a new one."

My best friend Aaliyah, being the good friend she is, baked me a chocolate cake and brought it in to school today. My best friend Stephanie bought me balloons and so did my friend Nayshaun, which I was very grateful for because no one has ever bought me balloons before.

I was hoping Sergio would say "happy birthday" to me but the only person who did in his group of friends was a guy named Jon. It was a nice gesture, seeing as how we never talk in person although we were pretty good friends a few years ago.

The weather was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING today at 80 degrees F. I love warm weather. But then we had gym last period and me and Stephanie were jumping rope and it was really sweat-inducing and painful, seeing as how I'm as fit as an 80 year old obese woman. Marcos, the senior I'm kind of interested in, was also outside in the schoolyard and we had a jump-rope-off(?). I won because I did some fancy ninja trick that he attempted to imitate and failed miserably.

After school my best friend Anabel came over to my house and I was so happy because I haven't seen her in a while. She got me a chocolate bar (yum) and hung out with me until 5. Then I took a nap and my best friend Abby (I have a lot of best friends) came over and we went makeup shopping to the drugstore. Well I only bought one thing, Covergirl's Lash Blast Fusion mascara, which I've wanted for a while, and I stole some eyeliner. Then we both went over to Jeff's house (I've got to stop calling it that, it makes it seem like I go over there for him) to see baby Adriyen's clothes, bathtub, etc. Neomi is due May 31. I also saw Jeff, and I told him it was my birthday and he seemed to have forgotten. NGL, that kind of bothered me a bit. But he seemed pretty friendly and proceeded to give me 5 fist bumps. Mimi is really stressed out because apparently she has been cleaning all day and changing her room around for Adriyen, since Neomi and Julio sleep in the living room. Adriyen's things are now in Mimi's old drawer. I was wondering where Mimi's clothes were...

So now I'm home and I've decided to take up blogging again, since I'm too unorganized and erratic with my diary. Blogging makes me more creatively inspired, for some reason. Maybe because hand-writing is a chore for me and my sloppy, fast writing.

Apparently Jeff has been telling Shayna that he's "cool" with me now and whatnot, but I know we can't be friends. I know he wants to, but his friends, especially Justin, have ruined any chance of us ever being emotionally and physically close like we used to. All he and his friends bring me is drama, and now that I know what real friends are like (Aaliyah, Gil, Desteny, Abby, Stephanie, Anabel), I can't imagine why I put up with it for so long. I admit, I can be too nice and too giving at times, but no one deserves it like my friends do. Jeffrey and his friends definitely didn't. All they did was treat me like crap.

Now I'm going to edit my about me and what not and then go to bed.

See Yah!