Finally, there is clarity.

Sometimes we think that if we meet someone who is amazing that the only way you'll stop talking to each other is if something happens. Sometimes Nothing happens, and that's worse. But I've accepted that it's just something that happens and I am not upset about it at all.

One moment you're talking all the time, every opportunity you get, because you just get each other. The next moment you haven't bothered to say hi in two weeks. And the worst part is you don't mind.

People are always coming and going, and when someone new comes into your life you have to give someone else up. I don't believe this, or maybe I do, but that's just the way it happens. You spend your efforts on one person but when someone new comes along you spend less time thinking about that person.

That's kind of what has happened with Guy #1. If you can remember, I loved this guy. We had tons in common and had fun together whenever we hung out. I was even extremely upset when he told me he couldn't be more than friends. I was heartbroken. But I had a feeling it was for the best, and I was right. It's funny the way things work out.

I feel like I'm being kind of erratic because there are so many thoughts running through my mind.

Whenever I meet someone new that I really like, someone else becomes obsolete. But by accident.

Like I said, Nothing happens.

After a while, when you speak again, you realize you have nothing to say, really. You just talk about what you've been doing since you last spoke, which has no bearing on anything else. I fill you in on what's been happening with me, you do the same, and then what?

I don't want to make plans because it doesn't seem necessary anymore. We don't need to see each other regularly to maintain our relationship because it's transformed to something that used to be. Something full of good memories and fun times and I don't see the point in trying to recreate those moments anymore.

That's all everything is, isn't it? Trying to recreate good memories?

So while we say to each other, "Maybe we can watch more of this, we did that before and it was fun."

"Maybe we can go to that place you liked to eat at."

"Maybe we can go to a show, I said I'd take you to one."

We try to make it feel like old times, to start again where we left off, but it doesn't work that way.

Once Nothing happens, you realize how irrelevant we are, as two people talking to each other. There is no need.


Guy #4 is really growing on me. He is the reason for my indifference towards Guy #1. And Guy #3. Me and Guy #2 still talk to each other.

Guy #2 was someone that I wanted to constantly impress. I wanted him to be proud of me and think, "this girl is worth something." I got jealous when he spoke about his main interest because that's who I wanted to be. I didn't understand why she was better than me.

I still don't understand why, but it doesn't matter anymore. Because now, he told me he wants to get a bit more serious with me.
This is what I wanted all along. Or what I thought I wanted.

I'm his alternative. Girl #1 is not responding to his advances, so he goes to the next best thing.

The problem is that while he was trying to impress her and get her attention, I didn't sit and wait. I went and searched for someone who would make me their #1. Their first choice. I wanted to win the gold medal, for once.

And I found that.

I also found someone who I've connected more on an emotional level than a physical level. Someone who gets me even more than Guy #1.

Don't get me wrong, I still like Guy #2, but he doesn't understand me. We don't talk. He doesn't understand my humor. He likes me primarily for my looks. I tried really hard to get into his mind and figure him out, but he doesn't care about making deep connections with people.


Guy #4 is as close to perfect as I've ever gotten, thus far. There is nothing personality-wise that I don't like about him.

I just want to talk to him all the time. There's so much to say. I've got this extreme appetite for conversation with him. We say things. We speak. It's amazing. There isn't any rush to do anything further, like sex, which would be very odd for me if it were anyone else. But I feel like it isn't necessary, not at all. It doesn't even cross my mind when we're speaking. It would seem like a waste of time, because we could be talking instead. I want to know everything. I want to devour everything he says , every single word, and have it inside of me and have it stay there forever.

And now whenever I talk to anyone else, it feels stupid and meaningless and empty. What's the point? We aren't saying anything.

One of the sweetest guys I've ever met!

Okay so I met someone who's really awesome. Let's call him Guy #4. If I had a "type", this guy would be 100% it. He's tall, good looking, loves music, likes ALL the same shows I do, and finds my sense of humor hilarious, which is new. Usually people don't get my jokes -__-

Anyway, we met up recently and it was a lot of fun. We got some frozen yogurt and a giant cookie, and came back to my house to watch Doctor Who.

What I loved most about our "date" was that there was absolutely no mention of sex/anything sexual. Usually this is all guys want to talk about, and ask me personal questions. He didn't, which I found awesome. We got along SO well that we didn't need to go there. To be honest I felt completely comfortable with him and wouldn't have been angry with him if he did ask me anything, but I love the fact that he didn't. The only time we were really touching sort of intimately was when he put his arm over me while watching Doctor Who. We had a couple of innocent kisses when he was leaving, but other than that, we just talked and enjoyed each other's company.

He played guitar for me and I have to say, I am extremely impressed. He's better than anyone I know. He sang me "Kathy's Song" which is such a beautiful song and I didn't even have any words to express how awesome it was. In return I played him some of my favorite songs and he made me feel really talented about my voice, which I always thought was mediocre at best.

He left around 11 and we had to wait a really long time for the train. But it was a great day.

Earlier today he sent me some videos of himself playing "Kathy's Song" and I can't wait to show my friends at school. He's got such amazing eyes and he really knows how to work the camera with them hahaha.

But yeah, it's been such a good week.

What I Know For Sure (because everything else is confusing as fuck):

-I don't like being taken advantage of
-I don't like someone using my emotions to control me
-I don't like feeling not good enough
-I don't like trying to constantly impress someone because I don't feel good enough
-I don't like feeling like at any given moment, I will become meaningless
-I don't like to know that there's someone out there who's better than me and who you're just waiting for, and in the meantime killing time with me
-I don't like giving you the satisfaction of knowing you affect my emotions in ways I cannot control

-I like feeling trustworthy enough to share your feelings with
-I like being listened to when something is bothering me
-I like knowing I have an advantage over someone else

-I hate fighting for your attention
-I hate feeling like I'm in a race with other people and whoever gets to you first wins
-I hate feeling like an object used to keep you entertained when your main interest is ignoring you
-I hate the fact that I'm not doing what I promised myself I would
-I hate becoming attached to someone, especially when that person so carefully guarded and they know way too much about you

-I hate not knowing what you're thinking
-I hate feeling like I've fallen into your customary trap
-I hate feeling like you enjoy my distress
-I hate being able to tell you how I feel and you not telling me how you feel in return
-I hate feeling like you have ulterior motives

-I like being able to recognize when I'm getting too far deep into something and knowing to back up

-I hate feeling I'm in stuck in quicksand and even if I try to back up I might not be able to get out.

Update on Guy #2

Okay so this is in reference to my post recently about my personality being full of contradictions. Guy #2 was (and still is) a very confusing and complex person.

What I said before is still true, that sometimes I want to be a huge bitch but I also want to be sweet. I think I feel the need to impress him. He's said before he has low self esteem but I think very highly of him. He's smart, funny, and attractive.

I think he thinks all he's got going for him are his looks but that's definitely not true. Maybe he's just been looking in the wrong places.

Anyway, I admitted to him that I like him more than I let on, and he says, "you're so cute" a lot more frequently since then, which I find funny.

I'm not sure if he likes me too because he's pretty hard to read, but I'm kind of worried he might be enjoying this because he wants to have power over me. I think I'd like him more if it weren't for that.

I've started speaking to someone new and he doesn't seem to like it. This guy (let's call him guy #3) is extremely sweet and he promised to introduce me to SEAN LENNON.
I cannot deal.
Also, he really likes me and told me I'm his "dream girl". He seems like the kind of guy who would go to great lengths to keep a girl happy, which is so cute. He told me he wants to impress me which I thought was really sweet.
But yeah, Guy #2 called him lame haha and he calls him "the nice guy".

Earlier on he also said to me, "We don't have anything official but you're mine." He also said he's territorial, which explains his disdain for Guy #3.

Anyway, I just wish he was easier to read. I've started being more honest about my feelings towards him in hopes that he will do the same with me.


(Since when did this become a blog about my love life??? Whatever, it's the only interesting thing that's been happening to me so, sorry!)

I redyed my hair.

So I finally decided that having faded green hair and 3 inches of roots showing was not cute and that I should take advantage of spring break and redye it. The first time I dyed it it was supposed to be "aquamarine" but because my hair has red tones it came out green. I didn't mind because I got complimented on it but still. This time, my reasoning told me that if aquamarine makes my hair green, then blue must make it aquamarine, or at least close.

In pictures:

I kinda rushed through it because I was excited so the bleach basically got everywhere.

I didn't want to leave the bleach in too long and I couldn't find toner so my hair was an incredibly bright orange when I washed the bleach out.

This is after I dyed it and washed it out:

It's a bit uneven because I think I shampooed too vigorously but that can always be fixed later on.

So anyway, I blow-dried it and flat ironed and and this is the end result:

I don't know if you can tell, but it's a darker blue in the front and more greenish in the back. I don't really mind it, I think it looks cool having different shades of blue, but I think I'll have to redye it before school just so that it looks more even.

I'm just glad it wasn't disastrous like it was the first time I tried to bleach my hair.

My whole persona is just one big contradiction. (This is going to be a really personal, long, and annoying post)

Okay so I broke up with Jeff a while ago because I'm going through a period in my life where I really don't want to be tied down or attached . It was really tough for me to do because we've been together on and off for three years, but I came to realize it was more of a comfort thing than anything. He lives across the street, come on. Also, over the years we've branched off into different areas of interests, which becomes really evident when we compare what our favorite bands are today to the ones three years ago. But anyway, this isn't about him.

I like being able to have a relationship with someone where we act like a couple when we're together but at the end of the day we go our separate ways. I've met a couple of people who I can do that with. It's great until I get slapped in the face with reality.

For example, this one guy I met and I have SO much in common and we always have so much fun when we get together. I've stayed over at his place a few times and we never run out of things to talk about. He's introduced me to so many new TV shows, music, and food, which are my three basic obsessions. We first met under the pretense that we both wanted to have fun and just relax, nothing serious. I knew that, and I was okay with that. I mean, I still am. But I guess I never actively thought, "Okay nothing is going to happen between us, we're just two good friends who enjoy each other's company." Then one day we were delving a bit deep into how fond we are of each other and how much fun we have together and I guess he knew he should restate conditions from earlier in our friendship/relationship(?) and he said:

"I know we've spoken about this before, but I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I can't be more than a friend to you. I like you a lot and I feel like if I were younger or you were older that I'd be trying to put a ring on your finger and I appreciate that you've been understanding about that. I hope you aren't upset that I said that."

I even remember the exact moment I read that, I felt so crushed and shortly after confused about why I felt so crushed. I still don't fully understand why I was upset, but maybe it's just the fact that it was a giant slap in the face. It was said with so much certainty, so much conviction. I remember even calling my friends on the phone and asking them if they could explain it to me better, because I honestly had no idea what was going on with my emotions at the time.

The more I thought about it the more I repeated to myself, "Don't get attached, you're going to college soon. Do not get attached." Sometimes I debated with myself and wondered if it was a good idea to tell him how I felt. The problem with that is that my emotions are extreme, either I'm at 0 or 100. Most of the time when I almost told him, I took a step back and realized I was at 100 and therefore I was acting on my unstable emotions. When I go back to 0 I completely understand that it would be best for me to not say anything at all.

The second example is of a guy who blatantly does not want anything serious out of me, and I had no problems with that. I mean, that was the whole point of me breaking up with Jeff. There's a huge difference between guy #1 and guy #2, which makes me realize that my emotions are not behaving rationally at all. The first guy is understandable, I guess; we have tons in common and we can literally talk about anything. The second is a bit different in that right off the bat, we were flirting and making suggestive jokes and all that fun stuff. So there wasn't much of a friendship to build on to begin with. Most of our time is spent either flirting, making jokes about each other, or making jokes about other things/people. Sometimes he vents to me, which I like, but basically I don't know much about who he is.

Somehow I find it difficult to describe him compared to how easy it was to describe guy #1, so bear with me if I start to ramble.

I have a lot of fun with him, and he's really funny and super intelligent, which is basically all you need for me to be interested in you. Although we never really have deep meaningful conversations, I find myself dreading the end of our dates. He's interesting, but in a different way. I think it's because I never know what to expect from him. This isn't always a good thing, however. He tends to make jokes that really bother me and fortunately I have good self-control and willpower and can usually let things slide. Sometimes I get really mad at him, which always makes me feel discouraged. About what I'm not sure. I've got conflicting emotions and I get really angry at myself when I can't sort them out. Sometimes I feel like being a complete bitch yet I want to be sweet and caring. I don't understand it.

I've been trying to describe my feelings about him further but I literally cannot, so I'll just move on.

Anyway, I don't peg him as a guy who gets emotional about people easily, and I guess I'm right. So when he tells me about a particular girl he's really likes and I see how emotionally invested he is in her, I get another reality check. I don't even know how to feel really, because I'm not even his type, sort of. I usually like to be in control and people in my school even think I'm a lesbian because I'm so aggressive and so out of tune with the archetypal teenage girl within me. But this is where my personality clashes, because somehow I'm also a hopeless romantic. I literally dream about a guy coming in and sweeping me off my feet and making me mixed CD's and surprising me with romanticism randomly. Realistically, I know very few people would behave like the perfect gentleman, so I know better than to expect this from anyone.

I'm not really sure what else to say, I just got really inspired to write this in the midst of another one of my confusing emotional plot-twists. Basically, I'm confusing as hell and I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. I always start out looking for someone to have fun with and not have to deal with any sort of issues that couples encounter, but then I find myself inexplicably disappointed in the end. But I'm also not disappointed, because I never got anything I didn't ask for. I actively searched for these kinds of relationships and I never made any promises I didn't intend to keep or say anything I didn't mean.

I don't know how to end this because I could go on forever talking about myself, but here's an image to show how little sense things make to me:

It's kind of amazing to meet someone you have lots in common with.

I know that probably sounds super weird, because you can have things in common with almost anyone, but growing up in The Bronx and not fitting in with my hoodrat-wannabe-rapper counterparts, it's pretty rare for me.

Let's name a few of my favorite things, shall we? (Enter Julie Andrews here)
-Doctor Who
-Noah And The Whale
-BBC Sherlock
-Green hair dye
-Radiohead
-Reading cheesy chick-lit
-The Hunger Games
-The Smiths
-Crossword puzzles
-Sudoku puzzles
-Benedict Cumberbatch
-Staying home whenever I can and becoming emotionally attached to my laptop

Okay now let's compare my list to the hypothetical list of an average teen living in The Bronx:
-Lil' Wayne
-The Jersey Shore
-$200 sneakers
-Urban novels sold on Fordham Road for $5
-Drake
-Saying "YOLO" and genuinely finding it a deep and meaningful acronym to live by
-Spending a year's worth of allowance on one item from Polo Ralph Lauren
-Seeing authority figures as imminent threats and trying to fight them
-Stealing other people's $200 sneakers and Polo Ralph Lauren clothing
-Purposely misspelling words and using q's in place of g's (ex: ii luv drake ma niqqa)

Okay, I think you get my point. Living with these kinds of people my entire life, it's a pretty big deal to meet someone who likes basically everything I like. That's why I'm so excited to go away for college in the fall, I can't wait to get out of this terrible borough and not worry about getting shot if I'm outside after 6 PM.