In Limbo

What do you do when you're worried that something isn't forever but it's good for right now?

Me and Danny have been together for over a year now and although I've had many close calls with calling the whole thing off, the good still outweighs the bad. I just feel like it can't last.

For starters, things are totally different now than they were when we first met. As in, our personalities are totally different. This is maybe my bias talking, but I think my change comes in response to his change; I don't think we both changed at the same time. Now, he might disagree on that but from my perspective, that's what happened.

In the beginning, we were, for lack of a less pathetic word, obsessed with each other. I know it's not realistic to expect that to last a year in, but it's what came with the obsession that led to me being drunk and crying to my best friend that I found "The One" one night. It's what came with the obsession that led to him buying me lunch out of the blue while I was at work, and bringing me small gifts every week. It's what came with the obsession that led to us having long phone calls every single night before we went to bed.

Okay, so all of that comes with the honeymoon phase, fair enough. But what about pet names, affection, desire, passion? Does that all go away after a year, too? I would've expected that to last, at least; fuck all the gifts and the lunches.

Along with the lack of emotional and physical intimacy comes the fact that Danny can sometimes be down-right mean. To me, to his friends, to my friends, to customer service reps, to cashiers, etc. I have a theory that involves him being raised by a woman who had to do whatever she could to get to the top of the ladder, including being a "total bitch". He's mentioned before that he saw his mom act this way and she always got what she wanted. Now, back in the 80's or whatever when you were the only woman in a male-dominated industry, I totally get it. She surmounted countless challenges and sexism and paved her own road, her own way. That's cool. Whatever.

However, when the product of that, being a white male with a booming voice who's had an extremely privileged life, uses those tactics to get an extra discount at the coffee shop or to get a clothing retailer to extend their return policy, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It represents everything I hate, and everything I yell about on the internet with other socialism-sympathizing poor people of color from bad neighborhoods. My friends don't understand how I can deal with it, neither do I.

I've had countless conversations about his behavior with him before, but in his mind, that's just the way shit gets done. His response is that I'm "too nice", and too willing to acquiesce to others to prevent confrontation. Okay, so let's say we're complete opposites when it comes to politeness and confrontations. I'm actually extremely comfortable with being too nice, and I'd always choose being nice as opposed to being mean. I like who I am as a person, and I sleep at night genuinely feeling like I live my life every day based on being as kind as generous as I can be. I would never give that up just to get...what, in arguments with cashiers over ten cents, or causing a scene at a clothing store because I brought my item in a few days after their return period ended? No, thanks. I'm good.

This isn't to say that I hate Danny or that I want to break up with him. There are good things, too. He makes me laugh more than anyone else, he will literally cook me all three meals of the day without me even asking him to, he always plans fun things to do that I would've never found on my own. He also really knows me, like he can anticipate my every move and emotion, which is kind of scary because I don't want anyone having that power. He just somehow possesses the key to who I am, which no one else before him had. Although, I know he has issues with who I am, too.

He doesn't like how polite I am, which we've covered. He think's I'm not ambitious or driven enough. He thinks I'm lazy because on my days off I'd rather stay at home. That's all fair, we have totally different values and define "success" differently, I guess. That's one of the issues I see being a reason for a break-up in the future. That, along with the fact that I moved out of his house just as fast as I moved in because of his need to keep things the way he likes without anyone else interfering. This is a trivial complaint, but we also have totally different styles of home-decor, which neither of us is willing to budge on, so that's another reason I don't think we'd ever be able to co-habitate on a long-term basis.

This is getting long, so I'd better wrap it up.

I'm just in this relationship-limbo, where I don't see how we can compromise on our differences in the long term but I'm having fun in the moment. Of course, thinking about all of this makes it less fun, but there's really no concrete reason to break up right now. At least, nothing that's making me miserable. I have to be careful though because I fell into the same trap in my last two serious relationships where I stayed because "nothing" had happened, but I ultimately wasn't happy. The only difference here is that Danny isn't a toxic boyfriend and doesn't manipulate me and gives me my space. We do our own thing most of the time, and that's cool. It may be that I'm finally in an actual healthy relationship, but what if it isn't with the right person for me, or not the right time, and I don't know how to navigate that without having a giant red flag waving in my face? That's a real possibility. Danny is a great boyfriend, and makes an effort to be a great boyfriend, but what if he's just not right for me?

It's times like these when I wish I hadn't stopped seeing my therapist.