I like being able to have a relationship with someone where we act like a couple when we're together but at the end of the day we go our separate ways. I've met a couple of people who I can do that with. It's great until I get slapped in the face with reality.
For example, this one guy I met and I have SO much in common and we always have so much fun when we get together. I've stayed over at his place a few times and we never run out of things to talk about. He's introduced me to so many new TV shows, music, and food, which are my three basic obsessions. We first met under the pretense that we both wanted to have fun and just relax, nothing serious. I knew that, and I was okay with that. I mean, I still am. But I guess I never actively thought, "Okay nothing is going to happen between us, we're just two good friends who enjoy each other's company." Then one day we were delving a bit deep into how fond we are of each other and how much fun we have together and I guess he knew he should restate conditions from earlier in our friendship/relationship(?) and he said:
"I know we've spoken about this before, but I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I can't be more than a friend to you. I like you a lot and I feel like if I were younger or you were older that I'd be trying to put a ring on your finger and I appreciate that you've been understanding about that. I hope you aren't upset that I said that."
I even remember the exact moment I read that, I felt so crushed and shortly after confused about why I felt so crushed. I still don't fully understand why I was upset, but maybe it's just the fact that it was a giant slap in the face. It was said with so much certainty, so much conviction. I remember even calling my friends on the phone and asking them if they could explain it to me better, because I honestly had no idea what was going on with my emotions at the time.
The more I thought about it the more I repeated to myself, "Don't get attached, you're going to college soon. Do not get attached." Sometimes I debated with myself and wondered if it was a good idea to tell him how I felt. The problem with that is that my emotions are extreme, either I'm at 0 or 100. Most of the time when I almost told him, I took a step back and realized I was at 100 and therefore I was acting on my unstable emotions. When I go back to 0 I completely understand that it would be best for me to not say anything at all.
The second example is of a guy who blatantly does not want anything serious out of me, and I had no problems with that. I mean, that was the whole point of me breaking up with Jeff. There's a huge difference between guy #1 and guy #2, which makes me realize that my emotions are not behaving rationally at all. The first guy is understandable, I guess; we have tons in common and we can literally talk about anything. The second is a bit different in that right off the bat, we were flirting and making suggestive jokes and all that fun stuff. So there wasn't much of a friendship to build on to begin with. Most of our time is spent either flirting, making jokes about each other, or making jokes about other things/people. Sometimes he vents to me, which I like, but basically I don't know much about who he is.
Somehow I find it difficult to describe him compared to how easy it was to describe guy #1, so bear with me if I start to ramble.
I have a lot of fun with him, and he's really funny and super intelligent, which is basically all you need for me to be interested in you. Although we never really have deep meaningful conversations, I find myself dreading the end of our dates. He's interesting, but in a different way. I think it's because I never know what to expect from him. This isn't always a good thing, however. He tends to make jokes that really bother me and fortunately I have good self-control and willpower and can usually let things slide. Sometimes I get really mad at him, which always makes me feel discouraged. About what I'm not sure. I've got conflicting emotions and I get really angry at myself when I can't sort them out. Sometimes I feel like being a complete bitch yet I want to be sweet and caring. I don't understand it.
I've been trying to describe my feelings about him further but I literally cannot, so I'll just move on.
Anyway, I don't peg him as a guy who gets emotional about people easily, and I guess I'm right. So when he tells me about a particular girl he's really likes and I see how emotionally invested he is in her, I get another reality check. I don't even know how to feel really, because I'm not even his type, sort of. I usually like to be in control and people in my school even think I'm a lesbian because I'm so aggressive and so out of tune with the archetypal teenage girl within me. But this is where my personality clashes, because somehow I'm also a hopeless romantic. I literally dream about a guy coming in and sweeping me off my feet and making me mixed CD's and surprising me with romanticism randomly. Realistically, I know very few people would behave like the perfect gentleman, so I know better than to expect this from anyone.
I'm not really sure what else to say, I just got really inspired to write this in the midst of another one of my confusing emotional plot-twists. Basically, I'm confusing as hell and I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. I always start out looking for someone to have fun with and not have to deal with any sort of issues that couples encounter, but then I find myself inexplicably disappointed in the end. But I'm also not disappointed, because I never got anything I didn't ask for. I actively searched for these kinds of relationships and I never made any promises I didn't intend to keep or say anything I didn't mean.
I don't know how to end this because I could go on forever talking about myself, but here's an image to show how little sense things make to me:
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