So I got hit with a horrible depression yesterday

For some reason, I started to think about Jeff a lot yesterday and he hasn't left my mind ever since. There's not specific reason, it just feels like we're breaking up all over again even though I haven't spoken to him since my birthday. And we haven't hung out since February. And we haven't had a conversation since March.

I'm not depressed because I want to be with him. I'm depressed because of the awareness that even if we were together or even friends, it wouldn't work out anyway.

He's changed so much and so have I. He's picked up some bad habits and some bad friends and there's nothing I can do about that.

The reason why I say we can't be friends is because me and Jeff can't keep the border between "friends" and "a couple" separate. There have been several times where we've stopped being friends and as soon as we give each other an inch of kindness and friendship, we take a mile. This is the cycle:

This has happened a good three times before. I'm even paranoid to add him on Facebook again in fear that this cycle will start again. He's already started it by unblocking me from every social networking site ever and by insisting that his little sister lets me know that he doesn't "have a problem" with me and that "it's okay" if I want to come by.

THERE'S A REASON I STOPPED GOING OVER TO HIS HOUSE!

First of all, who does he think I'm going to hang out with at his house?
a) His mom (who I love, but she's still his mom)
b) His 19-year-old pregnant, settled down sister who has her own life to deal with
c) His 13-year-old sister who I have nothing in common with even though I do love her
d) His 11-year-old annoying brother who I obviously have nothing in common with
e) OR JEFFREY, WHO KNOWS ME BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, WHO IS LIKE MY TWIN IN  TERMS OF INTERESTS AND HOBBIES, WHO SHARES MY SENSE OF HUMOR.

Really, Jeff? He's practically inviting me straight into step #4 in the Cycle Of Pain.

What's worse is that me and Jeff are platonic soulmates. Literally a match made in heaven, and this is not even talking relationship-wise. Even as friends. But we can never be just friends. I loved him for who he was even when nobody understood why. He rarely showered or brushed his long-ass hair but BECAUSE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH, it didn't bother me. Sure, we argued, but when he mentioned that as a reason for us breaking up, I literally could not remember a single argument we have ever had. Yeah, I know we argued, I just don't remember what they were about. OBVIOUSLY, I knew that the person I was mad at was more important than the reason I was mad, so I always let it go. I never thought our petty arguments would affect our relationship long-term.

The last time we had a conversation, I spoke to him about how I was able to separate him as a friend and him as an ex-boyfriend and he told me he didn't know how. He also said to me that he knew he would never find another girlfriend with the connection I had with him. I told him he would, but he was convinced he wouldn't. He also said that his love of music will always be related to me and that half the music he loves now somehow involved me. That meant a lot, coming from a guy who rarely showed his true feelings. When he told me all of this he was depressed and it was because of something I did and now I regret that.

Basically, I'm confused, depressed, torn, and this never leaves my mind. I honestly don't know what to do. I hope I can get over it.

People I Love

Gil:
Gil has been my friend since 9th grade playwriting class. My other friend Crystaliz completed the trio but she transferred out of my school before the 10th grade. There's not much I can say about Gil. We're very similar and our jokes and humor are specific to us and no one else can get as much fun as we do out of them. Gil is fun to be around, but also easy to argue with, maybe because I don't see him as a celebrity like everyone else does, and I'm not afraid to tell him off when I have to. XD But overall he's one of my closest, if not the closest friend I have.

Anabel:
Me and Anabel have been friends since 8th grade, and she's basically the most understanding, nonjudgmental, tell-everything-to friend. Me and her can not see each other for weeks, but when we finally see each other it's like we were never apart. We have never argued and I don't think we ever will. She's like another part of me and there's nothing bad I can say about her. I know that 10 years from now we'll still love each other.

Desteny:
Desteny is my motherly kind of friend. She's very affectionate and out of all my friends at school, the only one who put my shoes back on for me when I asked her to without asking why or hesitating. (I'll remember that forever, lmao) I've known her 6th grade, and we were best friends at some point in middle school, and now again in the 11th grade. She's there for me emotionally, which is why I probably tell her my 100% honest feelings, instead of saying I'm "angry" when I'm actually upset. She's so bubbly and fun to be around, and I'm glad I have her for emotional support. I think I'm more honest with her about my feelings than anyone else.

Aaliyah:
Aaliyah is hilarious and very very wise. She gives great advice and somehow seems to know how the world and everyone in it works. She is a little neurotic, but so am I so it's okay. She baked me a cake for my birthday and I will always remember that. She's a tremendously good friend but she also speaks up for herself and I love that about her.

Abby:
Although I met Abby last summer, she quickly became one of my best friends because she's a great friend and never judges me. She's funny and we have a lot in common, and she also laughs at my jokes that are sometimes hard for other people to understand. She lives the closest to me, so whenever I'm bored or by myself she's only a minute away. My mom loves her because she's Mexican and my mom wants to be Mexican.

Stephanie:
I started hanging out with Stephanie in the middle of the school year. She's in my regular classes and also in my theater arts class, and she's freaking hilarious and we love being mean to people together. We have a whole bunch of insiders and we hate a lot of the same people, so we're kind of the same person in that way. I also love that she feels that I'm a really good friend to her and I feel that she appreciates me bunches, which not everyone has made obvious to me. =]

So today is my birthday. (17)

My mother has finally come to terms with the fact that I have two birthdays. (Born 4/11, birth certificate says 8/11) after her obnoxious friend Kelman said it would make sense to celebrate the actual day I was born.

Since my birthday falls on a Monday this year, I planned a birthday party last Saturday. It was a failure. I had to cancel it because all of my friends couldn't make it except for two. (So I guess I didn't cancel it, they cancelled it for me...) So two of my best friends, Abby and Gil, came over and we watched The Social Network which I bought on DVD. (Amazing movie)

We also ate about $30 worth of food that I bought from the supermarket and overall it was a pretty good time. However, two of my friends hadn't bothered to at least text me to tell me they couldn't make it, so I was kind of bummed out about that.

I bought a cake that I was going to bring in to school on Monday to share with my friends, but because the universe hates me and likes to ruin my plans, my sister and my mom's obnoxious friend Kelman ate my cake. When I confronted them, my sister said "You can buy a new one."

My best friend Aaliyah, being the good friend she is, baked me a chocolate cake and brought it in to school today. My best friend Stephanie bought me balloons and so did my friend Nayshaun, which I was very grateful for because no one has ever bought me balloons before.

I was hoping Sergio would say "happy birthday" to me but the only person who did in his group of friends was a guy named Jon. It was a nice gesture, seeing as how we never talk in person although we were pretty good friends a few years ago.

The weather was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING today at 80 degrees F. I love warm weather. But then we had gym last period and me and Stephanie were jumping rope and it was really sweat-inducing and painful, seeing as how I'm as fit as an 80 year old obese woman. Marcos, the senior I'm kind of interested in, was also outside in the schoolyard and we had a jump-rope-off(?). I won because I did some fancy ninja trick that he attempted to imitate and failed miserably.

After school my best friend Anabel came over to my house and I was so happy because I haven't seen her in a while. She got me a chocolate bar (yum) and hung out with me until 5. Then I took a nap and my best friend Abby (I have a lot of best friends) came over and we went makeup shopping to the drugstore. Well I only bought one thing, Covergirl's Lash Blast Fusion mascara, which I've wanted for a while, and I stole some eyeliner. Then we both went over to Jeff's house (I've got to stop calling it that, it makes it seem like I go over there for him) to see baby Adriyen's clothes, bathtub, etc. Neomi is due May 31. I also saw Jeff, and I told him it was my birthday and he seemed to have forgotten. NGL, that kind of bothered me a bit. But he seemed pretty friendly and proceeded to give me 5 fist bumps. Mimi is really stressed out because apparently she has been cleaning all day and changing her room around for Adriyen, since Neomi and Julio sleep in the living room. Adriyen's things are now in Mimi's old drawer. I was wondering where Mimi's clothes were...

So now I'm home and I've decided to take up blogging again, since I'm too unorganized and erratic with my diary. Blogging makes me more creatively inspired, for some reason. Maybe because hand-writing is a chore for me and my sloppy, fast writing.

Apparently Jeff has been telling Shayna that he's "cool" with me now and whatnot, but I know we can't be friends. I know he wants to, but his friends, especially Justin, have ruined any chance of us ever being emotionally and physically close like we used to. All he and his friends bring me is drama, and now that I know what real friends are like (Aaliyah, Gil, Desteny, Abby, Stephanie, Anabel), I can't imagine why I put up with it for so long. I admit, I can be too nice and too giving at times, but no one deserves it like my friends do. Jeffrey and his friends definitely didn't. All they did was treat me like crap.

Now I'm going to edit my about me and what not and then go to bed.

See Yah!

Going To The Beach

Seems like so much fun until you're actually there with sand in your crevices, in your hair, and on your food.

It's that time of year again where everyone starts buying bathing suits and gets excited about going to the beach. Even me. I never learn my lesson. Every fall, all I say is, "I'M NEVER GOING TO THE BEACH AGAIN!"

I'm planning my annual beach trip, and although I'm really excited, I know I'll come back angry and hating the beach. I don't really know why I always end up disliking it. Last year I got sick and no one bothered to tell me my bathing suit top DID NOT fit me at all. The year before I couldn't get in the water because I had just gotten my hair done and once again, my bathing suit didn't fit. But now, thinking about going to the beach has me looking up bathing suits online and planning all sorts of things. The thing is, I live in NYC, and a majority of the beaches here are dirty and filled with gangs and prostitutes. D;

For some reason I'm filling up my planner with "BEACH!" every weekend for June. It must be my immense love for summer in general that makes me forget all the bad times. I can't even swim. I don't even like the beach that much.

WHY IS EVERYBODY PREGNANT?

Alright, so teen pregnancy has been on the rise for a few years now. At my school, a girl had a baby in 8th grade and there have been about 6 other cases in the high school. We all know how desperate teenagers are to fit in, and they probably think this is cute now.


[P.S.: I am NOT trying to be mean. I'm stating the facts!]
There are two girls, who are sisters, in my high school who definitely stick out to me. One of them is in 9th grade, the other is in 10th. [Well I don't even think they're considered students, all they do all day is walk around and apparently get into fights in the bathroom, when they're not getting their asses kissed.]

The younger one is a major jackass, and she's obviously not going to take good care of that baby. She wears midriffs and tight skinny jeans and causes trouble wherever she goes. Ever since she became pregnant, she has about 100 new friends and thinks she runs the school.

The older one might as well drop out of school and stop pretending that she does anything productive.

These two girls were involved in a huge girl fight in the school bathroom.
[Really, girls?]
They were both instigating the fight and apparently had no concern whatsoever about their health.
The fight was recorded and put up on Youtube, and the PREGNANT girls, of course, did not get into any trouble.


Now, I have no problem with Teen Pregnancy. [one of my closest and most mature friends is pregnant.] What I DO have an issue with are the girls who get pregnant. Girls like these obviously shouldn't have ANY children, while other teenage girls can handle and succeed at being parents.
These 2 girls, however, aren't even in a stable condition to be parents. They're in foster care and do not have any sufficient amount of money, or a job, necessary to be a parent. All they're doing is looking for someone to depend on them, someone to give them attention, that they do not have. And I know damn right after they give birth, they will continue smoking weed, partying all night, hooking up with "sexi a$$ niqqas", or whatever it is they do.
I'm in NO WAY saying that this is the case for all pregnant teens, but for many, including these two, it is. I do not know them personally but I know what their home life and their childhood was like, and it's obvious to me why they're having these babies.

I just feel SO BAD for these children. These two girls are apparently not interested in continuing school, so not only will they lack a college diploma to fall back on, they'll also lack a high school diploma.

The girl in my middle school who got pregnant at 13 has at least a baby big enough that she can focus on school more than girls who have their babies in the last years of high school. Not saying it's better to have them this young, but she has at least somewhat of a choice whether she wants to continue or not. She doesn't have a baby who cries and eats and poops and sleeps 24/7, she has a toddler that can be cared for more easily than a newborn.

So basically what I'm trying to say is that girls who become pregnant and obviously cannot care for the child, or give him a good home, NEED to make the right decision. They can either NOT have sex, have an abortion, or give the baby up for adoption. And don't say, "Maybe they kept it because of their religion!", because these girls have NO morals at all, and probably have never even heard of a Bible, let alone gone to church.

I WILL give props to the teen moms who are capable and determined to finish school, get a good job, and have a good place for a baby to live. At least some people are mature and level-headed.

The Reason I'm Such A Misanthrope.

So things haven't really been going all that great for me, thanks to the amount of assholes there are in my life.

Someone was supposed to make up for their asshole-ness by making this weekend all about me. But nope, video games are more important.

Someone else was supposed to accompany me to a birthday party where I hated 95% of the people, but said person decided to accompany said people.

On a good note, I went to some expensive ass hair salon and got my hair cut. It looks great, I love my hair short.

But yeah. I'm feeling pretty angry so I don't have anything funny or witty to say.

I Did The One Thing I Said I'd Never Do...

I got my nails done. Not voluntarily, but because my boyfriend's mom took me and signed me up. So I've got inch long (From cuticle to tip) acrylic nails now.


Things I CAN'T Do:
-Wipe my ass comfortably
-Type (Typing is killing me right now)
-Scratch my leg-allergy-rash as forcefully as I want
-Zip up my pants
-Button my shirts
-Tie my shoes
-Untie my hair
-Punch people in the face
-Play my guitar

Things I CAN Do
-Use my nail as a stylus on my touch screen
-Poke people's eyes out more efficiently
-Use my nail as a fork
-Pick things up without actually touching them
-Make cute little indentations on my mother's expensive candles.


I guess they're not so bad.