I've been thinking so much lately about going back to school even though I have no idea what I would even want to study. Every day I get up and go to work and wonder, is this what my life is going to be like forever? I keep wanting to change my mind about what I do because I'm worried about making the wrong choice.
Every single day, every single decision I make, every single thing I say, I wonder if it'll cause some kind of irreparable change to the rest of my life. I worry every night about making the wrong choice for myself.
It's 2 AM right now and I'm sitting in bed even though I have to be up early for work thinking about what my future looks like. How could someone even know what the future will look like? It's impossible. I'm so worried about making the wrong choice, taking the wrong path, because I think life will be unbearable if I get any more unhappy than I am now. I think the root of my anxiety is my constant state of existential dread. It is all too often in the day that I have to take a moment to think about what I'm doing with my life and wonder if I'm doing it wrong.
I don't think I will ever be happy with any decision I make because I'll always wonder if it's the wrong one. That worries me even more, because it's like my life is becoming some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I'm doomed to be unhappy. Will my medication ever make me change my mind about that?
Every time I meet with my psychiatrist, she asks (as a way to determine where I'm at mentally and if I'm improving), "If there was a button in front of you right now, and if you pressed it you would've never existed, would you press it?" And I don't think the answer to that will ever change because I don't see how anyone would turn down never existing in the first place. And I can't tell if that's just my messed up brain talking or if I've come to that conclusion of my own sane mind.
Who wouldn't choose to have never existed in the first place? You don't ever get to experience heartbreak, pain, hunger, neglect, or anything unpleasant at all. True, you also never experience any good but how can you miss something you never had? You would literally have never existed. You wouldn't even have the consciousness to even ask "what if"? So why does it matter?
Anyway, this constant worry I have about making the wrong choice for my life is driving me crazy. I can't just make a decision and settle down and be happy with it. I always question myself. It's torture. I keep waiting for a lightbulb to go off in my head and a sudden realization of what I'm supposed to do with my life. But what are any of us supposed to do with our lives? We are all just tiny specks floating in space. Nothing we do really matters in the grand scheme of the universe.
So maybe I should just do whatever I want and just think that life is short and it won't matter in a million years. We are on this planet for such a short amount of time that I hate having to feel like I have to have some enlightened meaningful existence to be human.
But at the same time, I know I have the potential to do some amazing things with my life. I just don't know what those things are. I feel like at 23 most people know more or less what their passions are in life. All I know is I just want to love and be loved forever. Forget a career, I just want someone to float with me through this ridiculous thing we call "living".
I just feel like my brain is full of holes or something that I can never patch up. I know it's not normal to be this way and to think about these things every single day. I'm really worried for myself in the future because I'm scared that these feelings will only grow stronger as I age, and that I'll feel as though I'm wasting even more of my life.
I'm just scared all the time.
