"Can you stop being annoyed with me all the time?" -Jeff
So last month, me and Jeff celebrated our two year anniversary. Well we haven't been together the full two years, so it was more of a celebration of the day we first got together. It's still a significant date, after all. Things were going great.
Then a few things started bothering me.
I guess I was expecting Jeff to be completely different person once we got back together, or maybe I was just expecting too much from him in general, I don't know.
I'm trying to find a way to write how I feel down in a way that will make sense, but it's hard to get my thoughts in order. It might take me a while.
Okay well I guess I've been starting to notice how unromantic he is. And how whenever I say something "lovey-dovey" or anything of the sort he calls me corny. ALL THE TIME. AND IT'S REALLY STARTING TO BOTHER ME. I can't be as affectionate as I want to be.
He's always making me feel like I'm inferior to him. I actually ranted about this a bit on my Blackberry:
"Jeffrey is always saying that he's better than me at playing guitar. That's like comparing apples to oranges. To better than someone at something, you'd both have to be attempting the same thing, right? For example, you can't say a tap dancer is better than a jazz dancer, because they're two different types of dance. Also, because we both aren't attempting to play the same kind of music, he doesn't know that I'm incapable of learning it, the same way I don't know that Jeff is incapable of playing the music I do or singing as well as I do because he hasn't tried. Again, you cannot compare apples to oranges."
I posted something like this on Tumblr, and someone left me an anonymous message in my ask box that said, "Jeff sounds like a dick." I stared at the message for a few minutes because I really didn't know how to reply. Eventually I reluctantly said, "Unfortunately, he can be sometimes" because as much as Jeff angers me, I don't talk shit about him. I felt bad even saying what I did end up replying.
And the reason I'm writing this now, even though I've been feeling sad about it for a while is that I'm at my cousin's house right now, the same cousin who I was staying with last summer in August when I got back from Florida, dumped and depressed. And my life is starting to feel the exact same way it did then. Everytime I think about Jeff, I feel sick to my stomach, literally. I feel like throwing up. The same happens when I log onto Facebook, because for some reason I feel anxious about reading his statuses, like I did last year. Maybe it's because I'll feel really hurt if I see he updated his status but didn't bother replying to my messages.
Basically I feel like I don't have a boyfriend, whenever I'm not home. Because I don't feel like I get the attention I'd want from my boyfriend whenever I'm away for long. I have to be here during the weekdays for the next few weeks because I'm babysitting my cousin who's in summer school and who doesn't have anyone to pick her up from school. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go back home because Jeff asked me if he can sleep over at my house, in what seemed like an attempt to make up for the fact that he wasn't home on my last day there.
I'm hoping that when I get home all these feelings will dissipate and he'll seem like he really missed me, even though he's been having loads of fun getting high and hanging out with his friends.
I just feel so resentful all the time. It might not even be about Jeff, but it's still there.
Sometimes I even think Jeff is only with me because he doesn't think he can find anyone else. I'm too afraid to bring it up because if I do and he thinks about it for too long, it might become true.
One thing I don't want to do is break up with him. I just want him to change. I just feel like I appreciate him more than he does me. That's the worst feeling I can have.
